your-god-is-too-small May. 2016 | Page 172

Yes, that's right. Had Jesus of Nazareth never taken an acute interest in the cutting, shaping, and installing of natural woods, Louis would most likely have passed the tale from God the Heavenly Father to someone else, and you might be kneeling bedside right now begging for your mom's cancer to be cured by Steve or Larry Christ. But it was Jesus whom Louis chose as the game's next tether, and here we are 2,000 years later expelling "Jesus fucking Christ!" to the heavens every time we miss an open layup. Perhaps this is the most groundbreaking result of our findings in the lab: that Jesus was not who or what he's been touted to be for the thousands of years since his "crucifixion." And that's really the risk one runs in propagating sensitive information to just anyone without duly screening first. The evidence suggests that Jesus fits this "just anyone" description to the tee. Contrary to popular belief, he was not the son of God, but rather an institutionalized lunatic with a knack for escaping psychiatric hospitals, and who suffered from inflated self-importance, was extremely hard of hearing, and not Jewish but "jewy." That he mistook the majority of the tale as being one about him now makes complete sense, given the man's ample symptoms and diagnoses. As a consequent, this is really where God's first message gets hodge podged. Within no time, Jesus was proclaiming himself to be the son of God, the Messiah, the way and the truth and the life. He assured the world around him that he was acting on s