"We were hesitant to let [them all] talk to our baby," said Khan's mother
Liza. "Can you blame us? Letting those of foreign faiths into the home that
Allah built. I couldn't bear it."
The vast majority of Bangladeshis shared her same sentiment, fearing for
Khan's safety, which was purportedly jeopardized on at least one occasion.
Authorities alleged that during the Pope's visit, he tried forcing Khan to
perform oral sex on him. When Khan refused, the Pope then tried to force
Khan to force the Pope to perform oral sex on Khan. Once again Khan
refused, and in hopes to keep the incident under wraps, the Pope proffered
the infant with a lifetime supply of free paperclips.
Sources report that Khan would only take staples.
"Oh, come on," the Pope implored, sweating profusely at this point. "The
Vatican's stingy about its staples. Everyone knows that. You know they
won't even let me near a stapler? I'm the goddamn Pope!"
The next day, when reports of the incident began to surface, the Pope issued
the following statement:
"I want to squash this rumor going around regarding my visit with
Mahmud Khan. In no way, shape or form during our meeting did I
insinuate there to be a tightfisted mentality regarding staples in
the Vatican. On the contrary; the Vatican is perfectly happy to lend
out its staples."
Accompanying the statement was a picture of the Pope with his most
esteemed cardinals and archbishops, smiling wide, arms celebratorily raised,
a stapler clutched tightly in their every hand.
—12:14 p.m. update: Laksam civilians report seeing Shak bolt out
the emergency exit at a prosthetics store called Legs and Pegs,
where she set off the security alarm.
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