Instead of asking him, “How do you feel about this visitation
arrangement?” (which will probably elicit a one-word answer), say
“I bet it’s hard sometimes to have to go back and forth between two
houses.” Even if your child is silent after your comment, he will get
the notion that you understand how he is feeling. If he disagrees
with your statement, chances are he will express that and say, “No,
it’s not that bad. Sometimes I like having two rooms.”
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Either way, you are addressing an important need of your
child’s to feel understood and that the family doesn’t have to pre-
tend everything is okay all the time — and mostly, that you get that
it’s not always easy for them.
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3) Don’t take your child’s strong or negative feelings per-
sonally.
Kids often express anger or disagreement to the parent who
feels emotionally safest to them. If your child is disappointed with
the other parent’s actions or behaviors, don’t be surprised if she
takes it out on you! She may even blame you for the other parent’s
lack of integrity.
If you respond by defending yourself or blaming the other par-
ent, you are likely to shut down your child’s communication with
you. Instead of automatically assuming your child doesn’t under-
stand your feelings, accept that she is just venting her frustrations
and the fact that she comes to you is a compliment. To come to you
means she trusts that you can hear it without falling apart or judg-
ing her.
Even though that doesn’t seem logical in the adult world, from
a child’s perspective, she needs to have at least one parent who can
be the non-anxious one and who can calmly tolerate her sporadic
outbursts and still love her unconditionally.
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I’ve counseled parents who tell me that their children have
asked them to not attend a school event, for example, because it
made them “uncomfortable.” An anxious or insecure parent is likely
to take that personally and be upset with the child for not supporting
the parent’s need to be there.
I counseled one dad who very wisely recognized that his son
asked him to stay away because he knew that having both parents in
the same place might cause a conflict. So, it was the conflict the son
was really trying to manage.
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Instead of judging his son for asking him to stay away, the dad
simply said, “I can understand why having me there might make
you uncomfortable. If your mom and I were to get into a fight, you
might feel responsible. So, I’m going to come anyway because I
want to be there, but I’m going to promise you that I will never
create a scene or get into conflict with your mom at a school event.
Even if she tries, I will walk away. It’s not your job to worry about
our conflict…that’s our job.”
He said his son didn’t have much of a response other than,
“Okay.” But dad kept his word and his son never expressed the dis-
comfort again. I suspect his son felt relieved that the adults prom-
ised to take control of the adult issues so he could be a kid.
How do you get your kids to talk to you? Prove that you can be
trusted with their feelings — no matter what they are.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in
Atlanta, Georgia. She is also author of “The Co-Parent Toolbox”
(2014 Aha! Publishing) and “Solo Parenting: Raising Strong &
Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press). To learn more, visit her
website is www.dianedierks.com.
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July 2019 WNY Family 59