Self-sabotage 149 Mindfully observing our excuses Some years ago now I mindfully observed how I approached the tasks on my‘ things to do’ list. I watched my behavior a bit like a documentary filmmaker might. I came to see that basically anything that I did not do I had avoided simply because unconsciously I did not want to do it. This was a powerful insight for me. Up until then I had thought I had not done things because I was‘ too busy’ or because there‘ just weren’ t enough hours in a day’. The moment I realized that I did all the things my unconscious wanted to do and not the ones that it did not want to do, I became empowered. I had opened a window on my unconscious. I could finally see its workings. I realized that, for example, the people I should have called to sort out some issue but hadn’ t, must have threatened me in some way. The jobs I hadn’ t done must be those that confronted my weaknesses or anxieties. It was like a light had gone on in a previously dark room. I could see. Until I saw the light, if I had not done things on my list, I assumed it was because I was too busy. But deep down I knew this was a lie. Deep down I knew that I had done other things – things I had wanted to do. But as close as I was to the truth, I got it wrong. With this line of thinking I accused myself of being, at best, disorganized and, at worst, lazy. I see people doing this all the time. This was dead-end thinking. All it took me to was that I was a bad person. It took me nowhere other than to beat myself up. But the realization that I did not do things because deep down I did not want to, empowered me as I began to ask why? What was it about this task that threatened me in some way? This awareness taught me more about myself and the situations that I had problems with. I started to see which people intimidated me and which of my skills I was less sure about. This gave me lots to work on. At a more practical and immediate level, what I decided to do with the tasks that I avoided was to put them aside to do at times when I felt