Think of relationships the same way you would think of a developing brain.
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INTIMACY PORN
Hookup culture can promote intimacy and teach 20-somethings how to build relationships
I used to watch a lot of porn. No more than the next guy, but definitely no less. I cut back a few years ago only when I learned how porn negatively affects the brain. It burns out your pleasure receptors and leaves a buffer of boredom between you and girls- you know, real girls. Talking to girls, dating, and even sex aren’ t as stimulating to the porn-soaked brain, much in the way a heroin addict would be unsatisfied from a shot of morphine. There are even cases of porn-addicted men who develop erectile dysfunction because the pleasure their bodies require to make a boner is too great for regular women to fulfill. Regular women have BO sometimes, especially after a drunken, summer night of ignoring your glaring flaws. When I learned about this insidious nature of porn, that was it for me. Of course, I still watch porn, but not nearly as much as my internet access and alone time allow for. And I get boners walking down the street, so I think my pleasure centre is operating well. But my brain may be getting strung out on something else. A recent New York Times article clued me in as to what’ s happening. Hookup culture promotes intimacy The main point of this article was to discuss research that shows college-aged girls are just as complicit in the hookup culture as their male counterparts.( When you write for the New York Times, you need to do research to understand girls like sex.) Less notably, the article goes on to lament, in the typical, roundabout NYT style, the current hookup culture itself. Because 20-somethings are indeed readily having sex, they’ re not learning how to build intimacy with each other, so the argument goes. It makes sense at first glance that hookup culture would damage us emotionally- if culture promotes or at least accepts hookups, then there’ s no point
Think of relationships the same way you would think of a developing brain.
in dealing with all that icky, emotional stuff. Just do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. But I have found, through my own experiences and corroborated evidence, the exact opposite to be true. Since, sexually, we have become more free and open, we have necessarily become more intimate on a deeper level, and sooner than what was previously acceptable. It’ s precisely because we do not wait to become familiar with each other before having sex that allows us to become more intimate. Think about it. If you’ re out with a girl who doesn’ t know anybody you know, and may not even know your last name, she’ ll share stuff with you that she wouldn’ t tell even her closest friends. Effectively, everything you two say is confidential. First dates have become tantamount to therapy. I’ ve been out with girls who told me things they never told their past boyfriends, boyfriends they were with for years( yes, I know girls will lie about telling you something new, but sometimes girls don’ t lie- weird but true). The problem was, they went through the typical, 20th Century mating process with these boys. They met through mutual friends, they endured social convention and waited maybe two months before having sex, and they planned out their future together before it was necessary. Since there was no freedom of the hook up, the relationship came with strings attached, so there’ s a potential downside to being as honest and open as possible. Priority is placed on the structure and pretenses. In these general-issue relationships, familiarity tends to grow faster than intimacy, and so intimacy is sacrificed. We all know the best way to get stuck in the friend zone is to not make a sexual advancement. After a certain period of time, the relationship is set up in a non-sexual way, and effectively, the door is closed on you two having sex.
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