August 10 I ’ m not making it . Feeling out of it . Feeling so isolated . Set aside , uninvolved . Out of touch . Is the message “ I must decrease so that He can increase ?”
August 21 Self-evaluation during Connie ’ s recovery and my caregiving : Almost never good enough . Angry w / self . Not accessing God ’ s grace . I see a confidence in others I don ’ t have . Another message : “ Put no confidence in the flesh .”
Yeshua teaches us that if we hold on to our lives , privileges , “ rights ,” and honor , we will lose our life . But if we “ lose our life ” — becoming one with Him , making the good of others our plumb line — we will be truly alive ( my paraphrase of Luke 9:24,17:33 ; Matthew 16:25 , John 12:25 ).
Our Master , the Shepherd of our souls , commands us to love as He loves us . ( John 13:34,35 ) The Pierced One makes it clear that following Him will require a “ death to self ,” embracing the crucifixion of our fleshly pride .
All of this I had taught , preached , and imparted to others . I thought I “ had it down ” pretty good . I was wrong . Almost from the first day , despite wanting so much to only serve and be good to Connie , I watched a far less than perfectly loving Eitan fall short again and again . The Lord was showing me that there was more and deeper work to be done on the inside .
What , Then , Can We Do ?
I hate failing . Through high school I rarely got less than an A . But failing is not being a failure . We all fail at times . There ’ s no way to do life flawlessly , even with the best intentions . However , I ’ m not a failure when I ’ m yielded to God in the midst of my imperfect attempts to love and serve , when I ’ m longing for more of Him — more of His life in and through me .
Perhaps another journal entry only several days after the accident , provides some clues .
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