I Thought I Knew How to Love
Before that phone call and its aftermath , I thought I knew how to love . I thought I knew how to serve cheerfully . I thought I knew how to respect and to adapt to the wishes of my beloved . I was in for a big surprise .
From August 3rd on , I became my wife ’ s 24 / 7 caregiver . She was incapacitated . Other pursuits were put aside . My participation in the national youth conference I ’ d looked forward to was out of the question . At every turn I had to ask myself “ Is this what Connie needs ? Will this activity / commitment / scheduled event foster her healing ? Will I be sufficiently available to meet her needs ?”
Repeatedly I had to swallow my pride and do it “ her way .” As in a mirror , I saw my reactions of impatience . I can ’ t count how many times I said “ Forgive me , dear . I got offended . You ’ re hurting and I need to serve you without complaint , without an attitude .”
Journaling Frustration & Learning to Lose My Life
Here , recorded in my journal , are just a few of my “ I can ’ t handle this ” moments . On the one hand , I was consumed with a desire to be totally available to this woman who ’ d cared for me for so many decades . And on the other hand , I was experiencing a vacuum from jettisoning my own normal , very full agenda .
Quickly and repeatedly I discovered that I was not as loving and selfless as I had thought . I like getting things done . But in this situation I had to slow down . The goal was not “ getting it done .” Rather , it was patiently serving my dear wife ’ s needs - moment by moment . Being available . Listening , responding with compassion when she was discouraged about the injury and long recovery . Forgetting about all other goals . Now , there was one goal — caring for my dearest .
I learned to take satisfaction from domestic upkeep . Washing clothes , cooking meals , cleaning the kitchen — these became major non-stop responsibilities . But at times her instructions aggravated and insulted me .
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