any giving action for another
person. We turn caring into a
transaction, where something
equal is owed in return, instead of
a spontaneous gift from our heart
to our spouse.
I lived with a transactional
understanding of love for most of
my life. I only turned this around
five years ago, with the help of my
counsellor, Joanne. She showed
me that my husband Jason can’t
possibly know and love the real
me if I don’t share my true self
with him. I was deeply invested in
hiding in plain sight – from myself
and from others. Joanne
encouraged me to be brave in
revealing myself to my spouse so I
could feel his love as a free gift
instead of working to earn it.
One of the homework
exercises Joanne gave me was
crying in front of Jason. At that
point, we’d been married for
fifteen years but crying with him
was not something I did. I only
broke down privately, where no
one else could see, so that I could
keep my chipper “I’m okay” mask
on the rest of the time.
Crying in front of my
husband was hard work for me. It
felt so raw and exposed. I yearned
to reassure him the whole time
that I was fine, but this was
against the spirit of the
assignment. So, I cried. I let him
hold me. I soaked up his care and
nurture like a bone-dry plant. I
was so used to being the nurturer
that I had virtually no experience
being nurtured.
It brought me alive. Now
when I’m tempted to pull away
and hide, I do my best to bravely
lean in to the discomfort. I invite
him on a walk and I reveal some
of my deepest insecurities and
fears (easier to do this on a walk
as you don’t have to look right at
the person when you are baring
your soul).
There are many ways to
nurture each other in marriage. I
hate cooking, but when I spend
time making my husband’s
favourite meals or treats, I am
showing my love for him through
this. When I scrub toilets (another
chore I loathe), I am thinking of
my family and how practical this
expression of my nurturing is, for
we all appreciate a clean bathroom
to use.
A truly solid marriage is
made up of two people who
nurture each other. It’s give and