How the Gospel sweetens marriage
By Dr . Larry E . McCall
My wife and I were not enjoying our marriage anymore .
There had been no unfaithfulness , no threats of divorce , but after 20 years , our marriage wasn ’ t fun anymore . Our marriage wasn ’ t “ sweet .” Daily life together was more of a duty than a delight .
In that dry season of our marriage , we became acquainted with an older man named Bob . Bob ’ s wife was in the latter stages of Alzheimer ’ s . Every day he would go to his wife ’ s room at the nursing home to spoon-feed her , sponge-bathe her , change her diaper — and sing love songs to her . Here was a man passionately showing love to a wife who was not doing anything for him . She was not cooking his meals or washing his clothes . She was not giving him anything — no words of encouragement or great sex — she didn ’ t even remember his name ! As a younger , somewhat frustrated husband , the question that consumed me was , “ How can he DO that ? How can this man love a woman who is doing absolutely nothing for him ?”
HOW THE GOSPEL BEGAN TO SWEETEN OUR MARRIAGE
In that season of disappointment and confusion — disappointment with our marriage and confusion about how our older friend Bob could love his Alzheimer ’ s- inflicted wife — the Holy Spirit grabbed our attention with a short , simple , straightforward , soaked-in-the-gospel verse : “ We love because he first loved us ” ( 1 John 4:19 ).
As the Holy Spirit did His sometimes-painful , alwaysgracious work in our hearts , He began to show us that we had been seeking to make our marriage work with reactionary love . What I mean is I had essentially been saying to my wife , “ Gladine , if you would just pour your love into me in ways that I desire and in quantities that I deserve , then I would have enough love to love you back . But , if I feel that you aren ’ t loving me sufficiently , don ’ t expect me to be loving you in return . Look , my love tank is running on ‘ E ’!”
You see , I was approaching my relationship with my wife in a “ reactionary ” way . “ I will love you if I think you ’ re doing a sufficient job of loving me . But , if I judge your love as inadequate , don ’ t expect me to have much love to pour back into you !”
In that dry season of our marriage , the Holy Spirit graciously began to pour gospel-saturated hope into our marriage . He drew our attention afresh to that simple-yetprofound gospel truth , “ We love because he first loved us ,” simultaneously bringing a living illustration of what that looks like in marriage by introducing us to our friend Bob . The Spirit began to show us that rather than assuming , “ I can ’ t love my spouse until she / he loves me ,” we could be fueled with this gospel truth : “ God ’ s love empowers me to love my spouse . I have been loved by God Himself because of Jesus Christ . I already have an ‘ overflowing ’ love , for it comes from that infinitely perfect Lover , God Himself .”
So , rather than going horizontal — depending on each other to fill our “ love tanks ” so that we would have sufficient love to pour back into each other — the Lord was calling on us to go vertical , to remember the gospel truth that He loves
18 THE RENEWANATION REVIEW