The Question of the Day from the last issue was, “Have you ever felt like turning a healthy relationship into a closed/enmeshed relationship? What tools did you use to stay healthy?” Here are some wonderful responses for your enjoyment. They are not presented in any particular order. The next two questions are: Issue #147 — Fantasy versus reality, “Do you find it difficult to live in/see reality? What helps you stay out of Fantasyland?” — The deadline for submissions is 1/15/14; and Issue #148 — Breaking Up... with a Sponsor, “Have you ever found it necessary to break up with a sponsor? How did you come to this decision and what happened?” — The deadline for submissions is 3/14/14. Please send answers to www.slaafws.org.
I have, just this past week, felt that way. I crazily thought that faking happiness would keep a (so far) healthy relationship that way. I turned to my sponsor and my Higher Power, got back into integrity, and let my partner know where I was. He told me I had hurt him by not being my true self. And we have made plans to call each other out when either one of us feels distanced.
— ANONYMOUS
Call my sponsor. Journal. Meetings.
— PAM M., SUGARLAND, TX
My boyfriend and I committed to go to a therapist every week because we were getting co-dependent. We were grumpy and sniping at each other. But we both prayed and the therapist got us completely straightened out. We both are committed to a healthy relationship and are willing to pay this therapist.
— ALICE, LOS ANGELES
Ahhahahaha — every day!
I manage to not get enmeshed, but I’m not sure what tools I’m using. I really don’t want to go back into an enmeshed situation and my girlfriend is wonderful on her own.
If I get enmeshed and wriggle my world into hers then I’d be interfering with and altering her life. She has her own Higher Power and life path.
At times, I want to jump in and save her from making mistakes, but usually doing so would be my own mistake. I guess I do have the tool of asking whether my input and involvement would be helpful in a particular situation.
Sometimes, when I’m very worried and wringing my hands, I ask in a calm voice how she is feeling and if there is anything I can do to help. The less I get involved, when I’m extremely anxious to get involved, the better off we both are.
— JAX
Coming across
a letter of Bill W., co-founder of A.A., he says (As Bill Sees It) “when I am troubled with relationships, I go for long walks, I pray ‘God, Grant me serenity to love their best, and never fear their worst.’”( letter of 1962).
Yes, especially with my partner, I can default to the fearful, shame-based, co-dependent, trying to fix, playing the shame-blame game......We use the Tools of S.L.A.A. applied to RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous), i.e. a “meeting of two,” giving I-messages, keeping the focus on my own side of the sidewalk.
Being friends with both Bill and Lois ( founder of Al-Anon), as well as Rich and Kate (Chapters 1,2,3 of the S.L.A.A. Basic Text), using the tools of all 36 Principles applied to relationships helps,....Concepts 3, 4 and 5 are great tools for relationships.......
—BETH L, MONTREAL
Yes, stay connected to my Higher Power, keep in my prayers, open talking to my sponsor and to fellowship friends.
— JAY G., PHILADELPHIA
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the Journal, Issue #146