Yes, PHONE, making program calls, reaching out, admitting I’m struggling, asking for support, getting encouragement from meetings, seeking sanity, serenity and sobriety through prayer; communication with my Higher Power — God
— KATHLEEN, SAN DIEGO, CA
Always. That is love relationships. Friendly relationships don’t trigger my addictive behaviors as much. But in love relationships I have to really rely on sponsors, meetings and outreach calls not to control or to lose myself in distorted perceptions. And it helps miraculously!
— TOM B., LOS ANGELES
I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. Sometimes I become afraid. I think: “What if my partner can’t be trusted? What if I get hurt?” Then I start having a strong desire to start controlling so I can be safe. Then it occurs to me, I have a Higher Power, and I thank Him for how it’s all going to turn out.
— ANONYMOUS
Commitment, honesty, transparency.
— JIM B, HAMILTON, ONTARIO
Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, can turn closed for me. I work closely with my sponsor and network. I also talk to the other person (people) so that they can help me stay accountable.
— JUANITA, HYATTSVILLE, MD
Enmeshed, yes. With my daughter, I had to fight the urge to enmesh and make her my friend, confidant. However, sponsoring others showed me how detrimental that would be to her. I regularly went to my support group and peer relationships for that relationship need, not my daughter.
— ELIZABETH P., HOUSTON
Yes, I did. I know today I was not totally responsible. It takes two to dance. Today, I practice healthy relating with sponsor, sponsees and friends. I am just beginning my journey with anorexia.
— ANONYMOUS, DALLAS, TX
No way. After reading Chapter 8 of the S.L.A.A. Basic Text early in recovery, I learned a closed relationship wasn’t a good idea. The tools to stay healthy included couples therapy, joining Recovering Couples Anonymous (getting a couple sponsor), having good boundaries in S.L.A.A. (since we are both members), and remembering who my partner is — the woman I love and adore.
— RITA H., MONTREAL
You mean it is possible not to? Seriously though, the key to me is to approach all relationships with strong boundaries from the outset. For example, I have a habit of mentioning my wife in a positive way in my first conversation with any female I meet.
— STEVE B., SUNRISE, FL
Absolutely. Service commitments enrich my life, remind me of where I have come from, and expand my support circle. They offer a healthy sense of purpose and belonging that otherwise I would be tempted to pursue through a romantic relationship.
— MONIQUE S., LOS ANGELES
Yes, I did. I know today I was not totally responsible. It takes two to dance. Today, I practice healthy relating with sponsor, sponsees and friends. I am just beginning my journey with anorexia.
— ANONYMOUS, DALLAS, TX
I have, just this past week, felt that way. I crazily thought that faking happiness would keep a (so far) healthy relationship that way. I turned to my sponsor and my Higher Power, got back into integrity, and let my partner know where I was. He told me I had hurt him by not being my true self. And we have made plans to call each other out when either one of us feels distanced.
— ANONYMOUS
Absolutely. Service commitments enrich my life, remind me of where I have come from, and expand my support circle. They offer a healthy sense of purpose and belonging that otherwise I would be tempted to pursue through a romantic relationship.
— MONIQUE S., LOS ANGELES
Call my sponsor. Journal. Meetings.
— PAM M., SUGARLAND, TX
My boyfriend and I committed to go to a therapist every week because we were getting co-dependent. We were grumpy and sniping at each other. But we both prayed and the therapist got us completely straightened out. We both are committed to a healthy relationship and are willing to pay this therapist.
— ALICE, LOS ANGELES
Ahhahahaha — every day!
I manage to not get enmeshed, but I’m not sure what tools I’m using. I really don’t want to go back into an enmeshed situation and my girlfriend is wonderful on her own.
If I get enmeshed and wriggle my world into hers then I’d be interfering with and altering her life. She has her own Higher Power and life path.
At times, I want to jump in and save her from making mistakes, but usually doing so would be my own mistake. I guess I do have the tool of asking whether my input and involvement would be helpful in a particular situation.
Sometimes, when I’m very worried and wringing my hands, I ask in a calm voice how she is feeling and if there is anything I can do to help. The less I get involved, when I’m extremely anxious to get involved, the better off we both are.
— JAX
Coming across a letter of Bill W., co-founder of A.A., he says (As Bill Sees It) “when I am troubled with relationships, I go for long walks, I pray ‘God, Grant me serenity to love their best, and never fear their worst.’”( letter of 1962).
Yes, especially with my partner, I can default to the fearful, shame-based, co-dependent, trying to fix, playing the shame-blame game......We use the Tools of S.L.A.A. applied to RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous), i.e. a “meeting of two,” giving I-messages, keeping the focus on my own side of the sidewalk.
Being friends with both Bill and Lois ( founder of Al-Anon), as well as Rich and Kate (Chapters 1,2,3 of the S.L.A.A. Basic Text), using the tools of all 36 Principles applied to relationships helps,....Concepts 3, 4 and 5 are great tools for relationships.......
—BETH L, MONTREAL
Yes, stay connected to my Higher Power, keep in my prayers, open talking to my sponsor and to fellowship friends.
— JAY G., PHILADELPHIA
Question of the Day
& Answers from Yesterday
the Journal, Issue #146
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