Before I found S.L.A.A., I definitely gave love a bad name (as the song says). But with a lot of help from my sponsor and recovery partners, I’ve made great strides. Today, I have 17 months of sobriety in S.L.A.A. and am miraculously in a very healthy and happy relationship for the past three months. Yes, it’s still young, but after being divorced for over 13 years, I’ve had tons of first dates. I’ve only dated a handful of men for one month, another handful for two months and only one for over a year. So to make it past the two month mark in recovery is huge for me.
To practice sane and sober dating has not been easy. I’ve been used to seeking the high I get from making men my everything. But that pattern always leads to the fall when they turn out to be human and the high plummets to an all time low. With the help of the program I am so happy that I will never have to repeat this painful cycle again. I sure don’t miss the despair and frustration it brought me.
Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned and tools I’ve used for sane and sober dating:
● I had to begin by clearly defining my dating intentions. What were my intentions for dating at this time in my life? I was looking to date someone that could lead to a long-term relationship, possibly marriage. I was not looking to casually date. (Can we sex and love addicts even remotely do this and still be sober?) This intention set the tone for me on every date.
If there was something about the person that I felt was not a good match for me as a long-term relationship, then there was no point in me going out with them a second time. Of course, I had to be careful about my perfectionism, but overall honesty and facing reality helped.
● My Higher Power, my program and my life have to continue to be my focus — not the person I’m dating. If this is not the case then I am not ready to begin dating. If at any point I see I’m unable to keep my focus on my life, my program and my Higher Power, I need to take a break. This is demonstrated by the number of meetings I attend, the number of phone calls I continue to make daily and by my dedication to my daily self-care and responsibilities. It is a red flag on me and my recovery if any of these change due to dating.
● I had to give myself permission to make mistakes and learn as I go. Dating is absolutely not for the faint of heart. Our Basic Text says that “getting into a new relationship is like putting Miracle Grow on our character defects” and it is very true. Dating is the equivalent to telling an alcoholic to go into their favorite bar and have a drink or two and then stop and go home sober. Hellllooo! I don’t know many recovering alcoholics who would like to try that one on for size!
Therefore we have to know and accept that we are going to make mistakes. We analyze the situation and have a plan for it, so that at best we can minimize the challenges and issues, but we can’t prevent them completely. So give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn as you go…just don’t lose your sobriety over it. It is often bumbling before it is graceful.
● I have to be capable of knowing when to and how to set firm boundaries for my safety and comfort. My first summer in S.L.A.A. recovery, I went on a business trip to New Orleans. My hotel was three blocks from Bourbon Street. I met a very nice man in the lobby of my hotel and he invited me to dinner and to go dancing. I accepted. He was a perfect gentleman and we had a lovely dinner then had a blast together dancing the night away.
Around 1:00 a.m. my feet were in excruciating pain. We had to stop dancing and I needed to go back to my room. I had to take my shoes off to walk back to the hotel and he told me he wanted to give me a foot massage. I was in so much pain that I agreed to let him come to my room and give me a foot massage.
I knew I would not allow things to get heated and turn into anything but that. I was confident. He came to my room, kissed me lightly a few times, gave me a great foot massage and then left. He wasn’t even in my room an hour. The next time I spoke to my sponsor I proudly told her of this experience and waited for her accolades.
Instead, there was this long silence before she calmly replied, “Mary, you invited a stranger to your room. You didn’t know this person in the slightest and he came to your room alone. You can’t do that.” I can’t tell you how sobering her words were. Did she ever burst my smug little bubble. She revealed a pattern for me. I was way too trusting, way too soon. And I didn’t set boundaries for my safety.
I was also known to get lost in relationships. I knew this tendency of mine long before I discovered S.L.A.A. but I had no idea how to change it. Boundaries provide us protection and care. They are a gift that I give myself to help me stay sane and sober while dating. They give me the freedom and structure my disease needs to be able to enjoy dating! Here are a few boundaries I’ve needed to be firm with: The time I need to be in my own bed asleep and alone; when I’m available to talk by phone and when I’m not; how far I’m willing to go physically.
When I first began dating my current boyfriend, we were staying out too late, attending special events in neighboring cities. I was exhausted because I was frequently getting to bed too late. I phoned him in exasperation one morning and said, “Tonight I need to be in my bed alone by 11:30.”
He was very accommodating. We changed our plans a little and when he dropped me off at my house we sat on the sofa talking. At around 10:45, I saw him look at his watch and say, “I want to make sure you get to bed on time.” And that is precisely what he did. It was such a gift of setting the boundary and asking for what I needed. It gave me the opportunity to see that he could think about my needs even if he wanted to spend more time with me.
He wasn’t selfish and self-centered.
● I had to learn to aim for spaciousness and avoid enmeshment. Enmeshment is intense. It is the difference in painfully pouring down the packet of Crystal Light powder in your mouth vs. pouring the Crystal Light packet into a glass of water and enjoying how refreshing it is. Relationships are not supposed to be that intense.
Enmeshment is the cornerstone of the phrase, “We addicts don’t have relationships, we take hostages!” This is one of the biggest gifts my final qualifier (the man who got me into the meetings) gave me. He told me, “You are intense.” No one had ever told me that before. Now I’ve got an “intensity monitor” going on in my head at all times. I’m always looking for moments where I up the intensity instead of decrease the intensity.
Enmeshment is demanding of the other person’s time and attention. It is jealous of how and who they choose to spend their time with, instead of spending it with me. I am only supposed to be a companion or girlfriend, not a jailor, dictator or terrorist taking a hostage.
Spaciousness is freeing. I get to keep my life and enjoy getting to know someone else at the same time. With enmeshment and intensity, my world becomes tiny and entirely consumed by someone else. I am consumed with being with them, controlling them, knowing everything about them. I have to know where they are and what they are doing at all times. They have ownership of my life and I try to take ownership of theirs. I’m not even aware of the moment I do all this. Awareness of the intensity I create, or allow the other person to create, helps me to keep on solid footing with my sobriety and my program of recovery.
At first it was uncomfortable, and I would have to tell myself that this is what spaciousness in a relationship feels like. I don’t know where he is or what he is doing right now, and he doesn’t know where I am or what I’m doing right now and that is fantastic (even though it felt very strange)! This is how it is supposed to be. We are in a relationship; we don’t own each other.
He is not my hostage, nor I, his. He is free to come and go as he pleases. I do not have the right to dictate who he sees, where he goes or what he does. Nor does he have the right to dictate any of these for me.
Before S.L.A.A., I thought enmeshment was the sign of a great relationship. Now I recognize it for the burden it truly is on me and the man I am dating.
● I have to constantly be aware of and avoid the need to seek validation from a man. I try to be constantly aware of the buzz, the high, the hit, I would get off of dating, compliments and attention. If you are aware of it, you can see your disease in action and take the appropriate measures to stay grounded in reality and avoid getting sucked into the disease’s downward spiral. We cannot look to others, especially those we are dating, to give us validation. We have to look to our Higher Power, to our recovery partners, to the program and to our own self-care and self-love to validate us.
● I had to learn how to go slow and consciously practice healthy pacing in dating. I’ve had so many people tell me to take it slow for a change and I really, really wanted to take it slow, I just had absolutely no idea how to do that. I’m a sex and love addict, for Pete’s sake!
So, before my recovery, I always ended up going too fast and burning out the relationship before it had the chance to get on solid footing. I thought having relationships at break-neck speed was the only way to go! As sex and love addicts, we have our own brand of “speed dating.” There’s no way for me to be sober and build a solid relationship “speed dating.”
I had to learn to set boundaries for myself in the areas of physical contact, phone contact, email contact, text contact, when to say “I love you,” and when to introduce my child to the person. I decide these things. They aren’t haphazard. They aren’t random. They occur by my choice and when I’m ready, not when someone else is ready. Here are a few guidelines I use to practice healthy pacing while dating:
I next to never call a man I’m interested in dating. And even when I’m in a relationship, I monitor it carefully allowing him to continue to pursue me and to be cautious of creating an enmeshed relationship. Too much contact too soon creates enmeshment and it is very difficult to get un-enmeshed once you are. So it is far better for me to resist my need for tons of contact and cultivate spaciousness from the beginning.
I don’t get off of calls just to take their call.
I call them back by the end of the day or within 24 hours, not immediately unless absolutely necessary. Think pacing and spacing.
If a man I’m dating calls me too early in the morning or too late at night, I don’t take the call (even though I may want to). And I don’t return the call until the next day or an appropriate time for me.
I discourage texting by saying early on, “I’m not a big texter. I prefer to have predominantly phone communication and to use texting for brief communications.”
I reply to texts eventually, and rarely immediately.
Instead of getting into an important conversation via texting, I will frequently text, “Call me when you can talk.”
I do not engage in long email communications even if they do.
I do not engage in any sexual activity beyond holding hands and kissing for a minimum of 30 days. That means all zippers stay zipped, all snaps stay snapped, all hooks stay hooked, and if you haven’t gotten the point yet, all clothes stay on! Yes, that’s a tough order, but it is one of my bottom lines and it can be done!
I do not engage in any sexual activity without a verbal conversation about the relationship in the light of day with both feet on the floor. We need to know each other well enough to feel comfortable committing to monogamy and not dating anyone else.
● I dress conscientiously. As I’m dressing for a date I ask myself, “What am I communicating about who I am and the kind of woman I am? How on earth can I expect a man to take it slow when I’m baring ¾ of my breasts over dinner?” Now, I prefer to go with classy sexy vs. blatantly sexy. And just as a side bar, I always go to my S.L.A.A. meetings dressed as conservatively as I possibly can.
● I practice impeccable self-care all the time. In the past, when I’ve gotten lost in a relationship, I’ve given up important steps in my own self-care — particularly sleep. Or I don’t take such great care of myself when I’m not in a relationship because it doesn’t matter anyhow. I don’t value myself so much unless I’m in a relationship. Not anymore. I take care of myself no matter what.
My self-care is non-negotiable. I don’t give up me to take care of thee/he. I have to take care of me first. Here’s what I need regularly: The time necessary to work my program of recovery aggressively every single day, to make my recovery calls; to get adequate sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise/activity; and to have a peaceful environment and moderate pace of life to flourish in.
How I feel and what I think matter the most. I cannot change who I am to make certain he likes me. I have to be me and take care of myself and if he likes me great. If not, that’s great too. I get to move on to someone who will be more appropriate for me.
● I stay grounded in reality and avoid getting into my fantasy at all costs. Enmeshment and fantasy are the deadly duo when it comes to dating. I make certain I see myself for who I am and that I see the person I’m dating for who they are, not what I want to make them up to be in my diseased mind or not who I wish they were. I’m dating a real person, not a fantasy person. I need to keep my feet firmly planted in reality. Working my program diligently every day helps me to do this. When I see red flags, I have to admit them to my sponsor and most of my recovery partners. This helps me stay in reality.
● I avoid drinking alcohol on most dates. It is impossible for me to keep my boundaries, practice healthy pacing and keep my focus on reality if I’ve had even one glass of alcohol. Therefore I choose not to drink on most dates and when I do I only have one glass of wine.
This is a gift I give myself. I also like to see the reaction my date has to my choice to abstain. Their response is a huge indicator of how important drinking is to them. If they are uncomfortable with me not drinking, that’s a red flag to me.
● I avoid slippery situations at all costs. My sobriety comes first. If a situation doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. I have the right to be comfortable and to feel safe. When a guy tells me he wants to cook me dinner at his place early on, I see the reality of the situation and tell him I will definitely look forward to that when I’ve gotten to know him a little bit better.
● I accept that if I can’t break up then I’m not ready to date. Breaking up and moving on is just a part of healthy dating. Not everyone is perfect for us. I knew my breakup skills had to be excellent otherwise I would stay in unhealthy or inappropriate relationships too long. And just avoiding their phone calls is not acceptable for me.
● And finally I practice “The Hippocratic Oath of Dating,” which is, “Above all else, do no harm.” When it comes to dating, it is definitely a jungle out there. I do my very best not to be one of the many crazies who makes life miserable for others.
I like to take the high road. After all, it is much less crowded up there. I try to keep it light and fun and take my time getting to know someone. There is no rush and, just like car collisions, the faster you go, the more damage you do. Dating is the same way. All of these points tie together to make for great damage control. I take care of myself and in that process I’m usually taking better care of the person I’m dating as well.
When I put all these items into practice I have serenity in dating. I have fun and I don’t give love such a bad name. These tools help me to stay sober and actually enjoy dating whether I make a “love connection” or not.
—ANONYMOUS, ORANGE COUNTY, CA
With S.L.A.A., I Give Love
(and Dating) a Good Name!
To practice sane and sober dating has not been easy.
the Journal, Issue #146
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