“ I can ,” she said defiantly . She was desperate for this meeting to go differently than all the ones before . After all , James didn ’ t have much time left . There was nothing wrong with her , of course . She had no reason to believe her life would be short . But she knew it would be . It was a fact . Something she just believed , a truth so deep in her bones that no evidence to the contrary would persuade her otherwise . And the overwhelming feeling of hurtling headfirst toward her untimely death filled her with a kind of dull , aching anxiety that colored her whole life . She was always on guard . Always waiting for the other shoe to drop . Never planning , never hoping for a future she was convinced she wouldn ’ t have .
“ You just don ’ t want to give it to me ,” James continued . She folded her arms over her chest to keep from shaking . The winter chill had seeped into her bones . She was shivering from the inside out . “ You ’ re freezing ,” he said , taking off his jacket . “ I ’ m fine . I can ’ t take your jacket .” “ I don ’ t need it .” Right . Of course he didn ’ t . He couldn ’ t feel the cold . He couldn ’ t feel anything . Was that what she wanted ? Not really . It was the lack of feeling , the lack of being , that terrified her – pushed her to this point . She wanted to go on feeling forever . Would it still be worth it to live if she couldn ’ t do that ? Was that what she was willing to sacrifice ? Get one by losing the other ?
Yes , she realized . She was willing . The anxiety was just too much to bear . The longer she stayed alive , the greater the anxiety became . James realized it wasn ’ t that she wasn ’ t
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