never experienced a loss like this but you know someone who has or is currently going through it, please be cautious of your words. They can pierce a hurting and healing heart with one single breath. I am reminded in Proverbs 12:18 where it says, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Comforting someone that is grieving can be as simple as saying, “I’m so sorry.” or sometimes, when you don’t know what to say, say nothing at all. Hugs, cards, or even flowers just to let them know you are thinking of them can be the greatest gesture. I remember Adam and I even received a cookie bouquet from coworkers of mine. It was so thoughtful (and delicious) and it meant so much to us that they were praying for us.
Like I’ve said before, no matter how far along you were, whether early on or further along, still birth or infant loss, a loss is a loss, so please consider seeking council. Please allow someone to be a shoulder to you. Don’t allow yourself to hold in all of this pain that you’re feeling or have felt. Sometimes, it helps to have someone other than your significant other to listen to you. I suggest a local support group, a friend, or even a pastor at your home or local church. Also, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. Some name their children they’ve lost and other don’t. That’s fine. Some do vigils on the day they lost a child or even on what their birthdays would have been. That’s fine too. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve. What works for you, might not work for someone else, and that is totally fine. Men and women can also grieve differently. I know my husband and I did. I used to get so upset with him when he came home because I used to think that he didn’t care as much as I did. That he didn’t have as much of a connection with Carys as I did. Maybe he just wanted to move on from it all. Boy, was I wrong. He was hurting and I was too busy wrapped up in my ways of thinking about HOW he should cope and grieve that I didn’t consider that he was truly in pain over our loss. Both of us had cling to God’s truth and although in my lifetime I may never know why we lost him/her, why us, or what the purpose of all of this is, I know one thing to be true, my God will never leave me nor forsake me. That our sweet baby is in the arms of Jesus and that is the safest place for Carys to be. This doesn’t make the pain of loss necessarily go away, but it brings me comfort when doubt tries to creep in. You will never ever forget but I can promise you, it gets easier.
me. That our sweet baby is in the arms of Jesus and that is the safest place for Carys to be. This doesn’t make the pain of loss necessarily go away, but it brings me comfort when doubt tries to creep in. You will never ever forget but I can promise you, it gets easier.
Losing Carys was by far one of the hardest trials I have ever endured. I didn’t get the purpose for our loss. After 2 years had gone by since losing Carys, I talked with a sweet friend, who has had multiple miscarriages, her most recent one in March of 2015, she mentioned that there were no faith-based outlets or support groups in our area that dealt with miscarriages and infant loss. With Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day around the corner, we talked to our pastor about holding a candle light vigil for parents that have lost babies. I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed us with such a supportive pastor who was ready and willing to help us any way he could. Ribbons and yellow roses would be given out that Sunday to recognize these precious parents and the loss that they have experienced, no matter how long ago. Little did we know that there was a greater conviction a few of us felt as this day approached. God had placed a burden for mom’s who have lost babies. They needed an outlet, someone to meet them on their terms, no pressure. Someone that would be willing to reach out and show them love from people who knew what they are going through. God has most certainly brought our team together and we are so excited to see what work God will use us for. Y’all, this is not a ministry that I would have ever chosen to be a part of. I say that because, this is a difficult ministry. Comforting grieving mothers and fathers is so tough and heartbreaking. But finally, there was a purpose that I wouldn’t have seen myself and one that I wouldn’t have leapt to on my own. I ask friends, that you pray for us as we continue this journey. If you’ll pray for our ministry and for our hearts to remain focused on Him.
Lastly, I want encourage all of you. I pray that as you read the Word, that you would come to know Jesus and love Him so that He would bring you true joy, even amongst your grief. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
I was in the wrong on so many levels. Matthew 11: 28 says, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Instead of casting my cares on Him, I was using my husband to fill in that hole that was in my heart. I should have leaned on Him, trusted Him. Because I didn’t, it took me a lot longer to grieve the loss of our baby. As time went on, my focus slowly started to turn toward Him and I saw how, although I left Him in my most desperate time of need, He was there all along. I could see just how beautiful and good God truly is. In Romans 5:3-4 it says, “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” In my sufferings I have learned many, many things but I have endured them with the help of the Lord. This ultimately brought me hope, peace and joy in Him.
Dear friend, it has been almost 4 years since we lost our sweet Carys at only 8 weeks, and I still think of him/her every single day. We have a beautiful two and a half year old daughter, Elise, and I often wonder would Carys have looked like her? Would they have had the same type of mannerisms? Although, we lost Carys at 8 weeks gestation, our loss was a tremendous one. As Horton the elephant says, “A person is a person no matter how small.” This holds true for me, especially as a believer in Christ, that life starts at conception. Losing a baby at “only” 8 weeks along, was, and still is, considered a devastating loss. Please don’t allow anyone to tell you differently. Whether you lost early on in your pregnancy or further along, a loss is a loss. I can promise you that you will come across some people that mean well, but quite frankly don’t help your grieving process whatsoever.