Miscarriage. This is not a word that I would have associated myself with in my lifetime. Sure, I have known many friends and family members that have been affected by miscarriage. I never really understood the impact it had on my friend’s lives until the day that it would affect mine and my husband’s lives forever.
It was in July of 2012 that I would find out that I was pregnant with our first. We didn’t find out the way most people do, instead mine was through the start of a miscarriage. I started my day by getting ready for work; everything was fine, and then before I knew it we were on our way to the emergency room because I was starting to bleed heavily. After many tests, and prayers, we were finally sent home with the wonderful news that my cervix was still closed and that I should have nothing to worry about. All other signs were pointing toward a healthy pregnancy. My husband, Adam, and I would have to wait to hear the baby’s heartbeat because I wasn’t far along enough to hear it quite yet.
Weeks later, after adding a dog to our family and a move to South Carolina, we were finally ready to set up an appointment with the OBGYN at one of our local hospitals, Palmetto Health Baptist. We were a bundle of nerves, not quite sure what to expect. I hadn’t had any symptoms of either pregnancy or miscarriage; I assumed we were in the clear. I remember reading a particular passage in my Bible earlier that week in Proverbs 3:5a that said, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,” and although I had full intentions of doing so, I found my heart eagerly waiting to see if God had pulled through for me. As Adam and I were having the ultrasound done, by the looks on the ultrasound tech’s face, we could tell something wasn’t right. In fact, it was completely wrong. No baby, no heartbeat, no nothing... I remember that day like it was yesterday. I didn’t see anything.
I looked up at my husband and saw a mixture of shock, confusion and sadness. For me, it was as though my body and God had let me down. I remember thinking, “Why?! Why OUR baby? Why US?!” After a few days that seemed to last forever and one emergency D&C later, I found myself in our new apartment, alone.
The following months proved to be difficult for me. I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to be feeling. Being new to the Lexington area, I really didn’t have any friends or a support system. I kept a lot of my feelings to myself and didn’t really care to be pitied by anyone. I didn’t want to read books or articles about miscarriage, because for me, personally, it was too depressing. It honestly made me feel worse. So, I would be lying to you if I told you that one day I just picked up my Bible and I read a profound passage that changed my life forever but I didn’t. Not at first. I didn’t seek the Lord. I didn’t really want to. I wanted to sit and drown out my sorrows by watching reruns and making yarn wreaths. Crazy, I know, but it helped me pass the time until my husband got home so I could share all of my burdens with him.
"I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be feeling."
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