‘‘Touched by the Light’’ 251
Jacob said his wife felt they had the power to alter his fate because he
was diagnosed between the Jewish High Holidays.
In the week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, one’s ac-
tions can shape one’s fate for the year. This diagnosis was at a
very opportune time, instead of if it happened a week after Yom
Kippur. We thought we had the power to change the process of
fate. I said, ‘‘Thank God it’s before Yom Kippur.’’
At times, physicians saw medical events as religious ‘‘signs’’ from
God: evidence of divine involvement on earth in illness, and thereby in
human affairs. For example, Jacob interpreted as such evidence the fact
that his yarmulke covered his surgical scar.
The lesion would have cosmetically wrecked anybody: it’s all a skin
graft. But I wear a yarmulke anyway. The margins happen to fit in a
way that the skin graft doesn’t show. I took that as sort of a religious
reassurance that whatever I was doing . . . I should keep doing.
Describing Spirituality
Clearly, religion and spirituality were often intangible and difficult to
describe, since these concepts inherently lie beyond words, tied to the
mysterious, and ranging in form and content. These doctors did not al-
ways understand their spirituality, or know with what to compare it.
Spiritual feelings are often innately inchoate; language may simply be
unable to convey these states. Hence, terms such as ‘‘really,’’ ‘‘literally,’’
and ‘‘sort of’’ attempted to qualify and convey beliefs or doubts.
Moreover, discussing spirituality was often taboo. Individuals might
strongly disagree about it and fear being perceived as irrational, and thus
vulnerable. Eleanor reported that even with her, her physician-husband
could not reveal his innermost fears and spiritual concerns.
. . . after he died, I found a book of Japanese death poems that he
owned. There was a bookmark. So there must have been some
spiritual dimension that he needed to address. But we never dis-
cussed it openly. I really don’t know if he became more religious or
spiritual.