‘‘ Touched by the Light’’ 249
I don’ t know that I literally believe that that’ s possible. But I play with the idea. I don’ t know what happens after you die. But if you get to go to somewhere nice, then I’ m going to go there and be with my mom again. If I do nothing more than go into nothingness and history, then that’ s where mom went, too. I find comfort in that.
Though not strictly structured or sanctioned by a tradition or community, such nonspecific beliefs can offer solace.
Openness to a wide range of religious traditions mirrored that of many patients. Jacob, who wore a yarmulke, emanated a certain religious integrity that prompted even non-Jewish patients to ask him to pray for them:‘‘ Patients regard me as a little bit special because of the yarmulke.’’
Nonspecific and vague beliefs persisted, particularly concerning the existence and nature of an afterlife. Though wary of organized religion, Bill, the Southern radiologist with HIV,‘‘ grew up Methodist’’ and felt that life or‘‘ energy’’ somehow‘‘ goes on’’ in an afterlife, though he had not formulated these thoughts further.‘‘ I believe in something bigger there... I want there to be an afterlife... I don’ t know what.... It’ s not necessarily heaven and hell.’’
Awareness of the continuity of nature and its ability to renew itself inspired awe, and provided a model on which to pattern spiritual beliefs. The processes of nature could represent something greater. Nancy, with metastatic cancer, marveled:
A process is moving forward in some way— some mysterious force. I don’ t know what it is... if a nuclear bomb wiped out all human beings, there’ d still be some little cockroach... and after eons of time... there’ d be a whole new population of things. Some things we don’ t understand.
Nancy found spirituality in biology and science, integrating her beliefs and medical training. Through her hobby of gardening, she increasingly saw the world of nature as exemplifying the transience of life.‘‘ The tree or shrub that I love this year, next year is already too big. Things are always changing, nothing stays the same.’’
Others defined spirituality, or its manifestations, very broadly to include their work as physicians. Scientific principles of medicine could embody spiritual ideals. John, the public health official, viewed his medical endeavors as a way of doing God’ s work, dedicating himself to people and ultimate goals.