‘‘Touched by the Light’’ 247
‘‘Playing the Game’’: Ritual Without Acknowledging Belief
At times, ill physicians who did not consider themselves religious or
spiritual either before or after their illness nevertheless took part in rit-
uals and ceremonies. For example, Deborah differentiated between
Jewish religion and culture. Raised Hasidic, she thought of herself as
‘‘very Jewish . . . inside,’’ but not spiritual. While she was hospitalized,
many of the Hasidim (i.e., members of a Jewish Orthodox community)
visited her, prayed, and at her bedside performed rituals in which she
joined.
I can’t say I’m spiritual . . . I’m very Jewish—but inside. I come from
a Hasidic family, and in the hospital, people visited me, and
prayed, and gave me the book of healing, and read for me, and
brought me food. So when I was there . . . I let them play the game,
and I joined in. When I came home, the only thing that changed
was that I light the candles on Friday night, if I’m not on chemo.
But I don’t go to synagogue or do anything more than before. . . .
[T]hese people . . . asked me if I would do that one thing for them
when I came out of the hospital. I said, ‘‘Ok, if I come out alive,
I will definitely light the candles.’’ It’s the most basic, feminine
Jewish thing to do.
Returning this ‘‘favor’’ implied respect, and a cultural connection to
rituals surrounding Judaism, even if Deborah did not acknowledge any
explicit religious beliefs.
From time to time, Deborah had attempted to find a relationship with
a religious tradition, but concluded she was not inclined toward spiri-
tuality.
Maybe I should read everything by the Dalai Lama. A friend sent
me a book. I read two pages, and . . . can’t finish the book. Maybe I
wasn’t touched by the light. Some people say they have spiritual
experiences. I haven’t had that. I’m very down-to-earth.
Deborah went on to describe how she respected religion and was
not antagonistic, but did not feel that it ‘‘spoke to her’’ in a way to which
she could relate. She felt that her personality—feisty, down-to-earth,
pragmatic—was antithetical to certain aspects of spirituality.