246 Being a Doctor After Being a Patient
Of those physician-patients who said that they wanted to believe but could not, some appeared to be depressed. Here, questions arose as to which came first: the depression or the inability to believe. Specifically, depression may thwart beliefs in something beyond oneself; and failure to find such a belief may contribute to depression. For example, though she had metastatic breast cancer, Anne, the Swiss internist, continued to work, feeling driven, estranged from her family, and‘‘ not knowing what else to do’’ with her life. She, too, wanted to believe in a higher entity, but found it difficult to do so while simultaneously feeling depressed.
Other physician-patients were jaded by religion, perceiving hypocrisy among organized traditions and some adherents. These physicians either held nonspecific spiritual beliefs, while maintaining‘‘ ideals’’ concerning human conduct, or became atheists or agnostics. Jessica, the pediatrician with cancer, explained,‘‘ What negative feelings I have aren’ t toward religion, but some of the practitioners— which is a little different. I enjoy some of the ceremonial aspects.’’ While not wholly irreligious, she also quipped,‘‘ Religion hasn’ t given me much.’’
Unpleasant or off-putting personal interactions with the church prompted others, especially gay physicians, to avoid organized religion— even to their possible detriment.
Also, bad interactions with the church could lead to fluctuations in one’ s religious beliefs over time. Peter, the student, joked that he was‘‘ religious only when it’ s convenient.’’ Yet he then described a critical point in his life, in which he established a helpful and meaningful relationship with his religious tradition:
I actually needed to see a priest. I expected the worst, but he was great and actually got me to go back to religion. He said,‘‘ In the old school of Catholicism, you have fire and brimstone. You’ ll burn in hell. But we’ re not here... to judge. We’ re here to help you get through whatever you need to get through.’’ I’ m religious personally, but don’ t do anything with the community.
Peter distinguished personal beliefs from interaction with a broader religious community. Though wary of organized religion because of particular followers, some physicians nonetheless occasionally derived benefit from it.