‘‘Touched by the Light’’ 245
planning it or thinking about it consciously. Once in a while, I’ll
pray at night. . . . I don’t know why I don’t do it more often; per-
haps I should. I would do better if I had it in my life more. I just
have this darn skeptical. . . . On the one hand, I want and need it; on
the other, I feel it’s what weak, simple people rely on: a crutch.
As he spoke, Steven searched, and at times stumbled to articulate his
thoughts on this elusive subject.
Others, too, struggled to grasp the discrepancy between their desire for
comfort through faith, and their more limited beliefs. Mark, the internist
interviewed in the diner, explained, ‘‘Faith is a good thing for people that
have it.’’ Yet he expressed uncertainty in self-assessing his faith, saying, ‘‘I
don’t think I really have it too much. Sometimes I wish I had it, because it
gives some people a certain high.’’ He resolved these tensions by depre-
cating the solace that faith might provide. ‘‘I don’t think it’s a real high. I
don’t really believe in it. It’s like being hypnotized. I think some people, if
they really believe in it, maybe can really be hypnotized.’’
Scientific training can foster such skepticism, and hinder desires to be
more religious. Charles, the internist and underground researcher, per-
ceived a contradiction between his beliefs in science and the ethereal,
seemingly irrational qualities of religion and spirituality.
I’m looking for a spiritual component, but I tend to be kind of
an agnostic. I wish I weren’t. It would be comforting. But I have
such a scientific bent, and organized religion, and most people
out there who believe that, with their crystals . . . it’s such a turnoff.
It’s difficult for me to open up to it. I’m trying to be open to
that. . . . It just seems like it’s just a more successful way to live. But
I don’t know what to do about it.
Charles saw benefits of moral behavior—feeling good and living
successfully—yet these didn’t overcome his doubt. He struggled back
and forth to make sense of his need for, but wariness of, beliefs, and
his uncertainty about how to proceed.
Continuing to Doubt
Religious doubts could persist more strongly and prevail throughout an
illness, without change. Frank, who had his first MI in the OR, remained
an atheist. He ‘‘reconsidered,’’ but had not yet altered, his beliefs.