244 Being a Doctor After Being a Patient
Being Spiritual, but Not Thinking of Oneself as Such
Some who felt they were not spiritual nevertheless engaged in what others might regard as spiritual practices. In so doing, several doctors further distinguished between their own and others’ views of themselves. David, the psychiatrist with HIV, said others would probably describe him as spiritual, though he did not think of himself as such. He followed rituals but felt he lacked‘‘ true faith,’’ perceiving himself as, if anything,‘‘ religious, but not spiritual.’’ Similarly, Charles, the underground researcher, felt the need to simplify his material life, and thought this urge perhaps stemmed from a desire to be humble and‘‘ atone’’ for his sins:
I had a beautiful house, and suddenly felt I had to get rid of it. In retrospect, I probably did it to atone for my sins: I needed to strip myself of this symbol of that kind of life, and live much more simply and more humbly.
Both implicitly and explicitly, Charles invoked spiritual concepts, but did not see himself as spiritual or religious.
Wanting, but Being Unable, to Believe
Like Walter, who desired serenity through faith, but was unable to reconcile himself fully to a belief in God, some ill physician wanted to believe, but found it difficult to do so. A few tried to seek or attain‘‘ more spirituality’’— having some faith, but wishing for‘‘ more’’— again suggesting the existence of varying degrees of spirituality, and the extent to which acquisition of faith is not entirely or necessarily self-willed.
Several physicians wished they felt a connection with a faith, in order to draw support from it, but battled with doubt about the nature of beliefs and adherents who rely on these. Steven, the suburban endocrinologist with HIV, wanted to be more spiritual, desiring a stronger sense of faith to help him cope with his illness, but his skepticism lingered.
I wish I were more spiritual. I’ m open to the idea— at least I think I am. It makes a big difference in most people’ s lives.... Those who do have some kind of centering around a spiritual belief seem to do better. As a kid, I used to pray a lot because you’ re supposed to. Even to this day, I find myself praying— that this blood result will be good, that You’ re going to let this be good news— without