‘‘Touched by the Light’’ 243
lymphoma, had what he considered a spiritual experience. But, long
influenced by Karl Marx, he did not know how to process and integrate it
into his agnostic inclinations. He struggled with conflicting feelings about
faith—wanting to believe in an afterlife in order to acquire a sense of
comfort, but unable to accept this concept fully.
I certainly don’t have any relationship to any kind of deism or God.
At some points when I’ve been really sick, I remember thinking, ‘‘It
would be really good to be able to find some serenity in really
believing that there was an all-powerful figure who was going to
look after me during, as well as after, death.’’ But I could never
quite bring myself to do that. Human beings can share something
with each other—through touch or caring. I’m not sure where that
falls in any spirituality range.
Walter indicated, too, how a degree of ambiguity and ineffability per-
vaded these domains.
Despite his uncertainties, when acutely ill, Walter nevertheless felt
himself drawing on a strength that came from outside himself.
One really strange story that probably was a result of delirium: I
had already been in septic shock, and was going downhill. For a
couple of days, I had a very strong sensation that (1) I was strongly
rooted in the ground . . . I had almost a tree root from my back
through the bed, into the ground, and that it was rooting me, and
giving me strength. And (2) I was getting strength from outside
myself. I was quite surprised. I didn’t know how to process it.
There was nothing I could do about it, but it was a strong sensation.
It lasted a couple of days, and never came back. I was not delirious.
Sounds like some of my more psychotic patients: I felt like there
were vibrations coming from outside . . . and they did good things
inside me.
Though at first Walter joked that the experience was probably due to
‘‘delirium,’’ he later emphatically said that he had not been delirious.
This contradiction reflected his embarrassment at what others might
consider ‘‘irrational,’’ a phenomenon that he was unable to process fully,
and that had no place in his existing system of beliefs. This conflict re-
flected broader controversies, spanning centuries, concerning the seeming
irrationality of spiritual notions and, ultimately, of the existence of God.