If you ever played a team sport as a child, then you already know that a team wins and loses together. A problem for one person is a problem for the whole team. When the team does win, every member wins as an equal.
Step #2 – Define the Problem
If you look at any model of conflict resolution, you’ll find they have one thing in common: clearly define the problem. It makes sense. After all, you can’t find a solution unless you know what you’re trying to solve.
Unfortunately, a lot of individuals are guilty of defining the problem in ambiguous terms. How often do you hint around at your problem while hoping your husband gets what you’re really saying? I know I’m guilty of it and I majored in this stuff! When I say something like, “I wish you weren’t playing that game so much,” what I really mean is, “I want more time with you.” If I say, “I feel like we haven’t talked lately,” what I really mean is, “I think we both need to turn off our screens.”
Despite the stereotypes, both genders are guilty of breaking this rule. So, before you get into the tense parts of a fight, make sure you understand what’s in his heart. Ask questions until you are sure that the problem is clearly defined.
Step #3 – Describe, Don’t Evaluate
Evaluating means making some kind of judgement in the situation. In the evaluation of a car after an accident, the insurance company of the at-fault driver is judging how much damage had been incurred. When it comes to relationships, evaluation is often done accidentally and is often not meant you break eye contact to look at your phone, I feel like you aren’t listening to me.” This is describing the specific problem in terms of how you feel in response to that problem. Because you’re keeping the focus on how you feel rather than outright saying that your spouse is ignoring you like in the earlier statement, this second statement will not trigger the same level of defensiveness as the fi to be a negative thing. For example, you might think you’re just expressing hurt when you say, “It just seems like you never pay attention to me.”
This may even seem like the correct thing to do if you’re hurt. If you read that sentence very carefully, though, you’ll realize that judgement has already been passed: “you never pay attention to me.”