This may even seem like the correct thing to do if you’re hurt. If you read that sentence very carefully, though, you’ll realize that judgement has already been passed: “you never pay attention to me.”
Your partner is going to zero in on that ‘you’ word and feel accused. Instead of realizing your hurt (which was your goal), they’re going to interpret the message to be something like, “What I do isn’t good enough for her, apparently!” Insert defensive behavior.
When in the middle of conflict resolution, learn to describe your behavior and your own emotions without implying blame on the other person. Instead of our earlier example, say, “When first example...'
Sometimes descriptive statements will still get a defensive response. In this case, just reiterate something like, “I didn’t say that you were ignoring me. I said that I felt that way.”
Step #4 – Practice Active Listening
Not everybody is going to remember to fight fair in the heat of the moment. One or both of you will slip up. So if you feel like you’re under personal attack, try to remember that defensive behavior limits how much you’re actually listening to your spouse. Of course, this will only lead to more issues as your spouse will then feel misunderstood.
The good news is there’s a very simple way to diffuse the situation. It’s called “active listening.” Here are some highlights:
* Summarize what you’ve heard. This shows that you’ve been paying attention. It also gives your spouse a chance to correct any misunderstandings before they snowball. Use a phrase like: “What I’m hearing you say is that you’re upset because…”
* Ask for clarification on any points you’re confused about. Use a phrase like: “I don’t think I understand why blank upset you. Can you explain again?”