whole caboodle unto the middy grass of the Village Green with the Pump. Twaddle Our next meeting will be; same time, same place, Friday next. Sergeant! Take that old bitch ' s name and call upon Chester Capgut to restore our great stage to its former state. Pickles The old cart creaked, swayed and then tipped over. He picked himself up, dusted himself down with his new cap and strutted away towards his Daffodil Place H. Q. He stopped momentarily to pat some young children but one of them jeered,‘ Fat turd!' So he back-heeled him‘ one up the ass ', smiled sweetly at those who witnessed it and walked on. Tucker I didny see uny sign o’ the polis. Wunner where Sergeant Duncan Buttass was taday? Snipes Being paid off, by someone! I shouldn’ t wonder. He likes a bung you know. Tucker Aye! And who’ s behin’ it? Those wee lunatics canny afford that sort o’ money. Pickles Yes! I wonder who? I must make that question a priority ' I noted in my little black book. Snipes Now, Fabian, our little wager: ten shillings I believe. Pickles Perkin Snipes stuck his hand out and I had to put my hand in my pocket. There was nothing there- my ten bob note ha disappeared. I turned my pockets inside out- but still nothing.‘ Swine! Pilferer! Thief! That Felix Wetweed has struck again. Did anyone see a bearded man with a hooked nose, with his hand in my pocket?’ Kirkspringer I saw such a man. I thought he was supplying you with tomatoes. That ' s why I said nothing. Pickles‘ I ' ll kill him. I ' ll string him up. That ' s three pounds this week alone. That man takes all the profit from the Speak Easy Club’
AT THE SPEAK EASY CLUB
Pickles The Speakeasy Club is situated in the centre of Plonkton. I am the‘ Permanent Secretary ' and run the joint. My mother, Ma Pickles, is the ' Honourable Treasurer ', but she doesn ' t know it. My half-brother, Hamilton Conk, is the‘ Chairman’, but he doesn ' t know anything. All the committee members have long passed away and are no longer a problem. I bung Sergeant Duncan Buttass a fiver a week to keep his nose out. Political disputes are welcome in the Speakeasy Club. Everyone is lead to believe I support his or her particular party, no matter what it is. All of which leaves me in an ideal position to eavesdrop, which, you could say is my profession by choice. It helps me keep my little black book fully updated with valuable information. My little black book is a most powerful weapon against people like Sir James Riddle of the Horse and Hounds Hotel, for example. But absolutely useless against people like Lizzie Juggins— a lady of no obvious independent means and quite impossible to silence. Thomas Softhead was sitting at the bar. He is a bit slow on it, thus, ideally qualified to carry out some bar work for me. He’ s my mate. Perkin Snipes was also in the club. You will remember him as the man who is a Captain in the Army and Navy Stores.