whole caboodle unto the middy grass of the Village Green with the Pump . Twaddle Our next meeting will be ; same time , same place , Friday next . Sergeant ! Take that old bitch ' s name and call upon Chester Capgut to restore our great stage to its former state . Pickles The old cart creaked , swayed and then tipped over . He picked himself up , dusted himself down with his new cap and strutted away towards his Daffodil Place H . Q . He stopped momentarily to pat some young children but one of them jeered , ‘ Fat turd !' So he back-heeled him ‘ one up the ass ', smiled sweetly at those who witnessed it and walked on . Tucker I didny see uny sign o ’ the polis . Wunner where Sergeant Duncan Buttass was taday ? Snipes Being paid off , by someone ! I shouldn ’ t wonder . He likes a bung you know . Tucker Aye ! And who ’ s behin ’ it ? Those wee lunatics canny afford that sort o ’ money . Pickles Yes ! I wonder who ? I must make that question a priority ' I noted in my little black book . Snipes Now , Fabian , our little wager : ten shillings I believe . Pickles Perkin Snipes stuck his hand out and I had to put my hand in my pocket . There was nothing there - my ten bob note ha disappeared . I turned my pockets inside out - but still nothing . ‘ Swine ! Pilferer ! Thief ! That Felix Wetweed has struck again . Did anyone see a bearded man with a hooked nose , with his hand in my pocket ?’ Kirkspringer I saw such a man . I thought he was supplying you with tomatoes . That ' s why I said nothing . Pickles ‘ I ' ll kill him . I ' ll string him up . That ' s three pounds this week alone . That man takes all the profit from the Speak Easy Club ’
AT THE SPEAK EASY CLUB
Pickles The Speakeasy Club is situated in the centre of Plonkton . I am the ‘ Permanent Secretary ' and run the joint . My mother , Ma Pickles , is the ' Honourable Treasurer ', but she doesn ' t know it . My half-brother , Hamilton Conk , is the ‘ Chairman ’, but he doesn ' t know anything . All the committee members have long passed away and are no longer a problem . I bung Sergeant Duncan Buttass a fiver a week to keep his nose out . Political disputes are welcome in the Speakeasy Club . Everyone is lead to believe I support his or her particular party , no matter what it is . All of which leaves me in an ideal position to eavesdrop , which , you could say is my profession by choice . It helps me keep my little black book fully updated with valuable information . My little black book is a most powerful weapon against people like Sir James Riddle of the Horse and Hounds Hotel , for example . But absolutely useless against people like Lizzie Juggins — a lady of no obvious independent means and quite impossible to silence . Thomas Softhead was sitting at the bar . He is a bit slow on it , thus , ideally qualified to carry out some bar work for me . He ’ s my mate . Perkin Snipes was also in the club . You will remember him as the man who is a Captain in the Army and Navy Stores .