surly rodent in order to prognosticate upcoming weather trends. I propose that Groundhog Day become a legally recognized national holiday with paid time off. We could have fun dressing up as our favorite rodent, dancing to the Pennsylvania polka, and vegetarian feasting in honor of our furry friends.
President’ s Day is the next day that the government deems worthy— but hardly anybody else does. We used to celebrate Abraham Lincoln’ s Birthday on Feb. 12 and George Washington’ s Birthday on Feb. 22. Then Richard Nixon came along and decided to combine the two birthdays along with every other president that we’ ve had into one big, beautiful holiday that nobody celebrates.
It is one thing to hold in esteem the memory of the man who is chiefly responsible for the creation of our country, as well as the man credited with saving the union from dissolution. But, to then dilute their larger-than-life contributions to the USA by lumping them in with lesser examples of presidents, like Andrew Johnson, Millard Fillmore, and Franklin Pierce, is a travesty. But, then again, we don’ t really celebrate it.
I propose that we split Abe’ s and George’ s birthdays out from the generic President’ s Day. We could take a day off to attend dramatic readings of Washington’ s farewell address. It’ s a worthwhile read as an example of evolved vocabulary and good grammar, if nothing else. We could dress up in powdered wigs, tricorn hats, and knee breeches.
We could also have bonfires where we burn effigies of Parson Mason Weems, the man who corrupted Washington’ s biography with a bunch of ridiculous myths. And then begin to set the record straight about this singular person who showed up at the right time to give the world a new concept for national government.
For Lincoln’ s Birthday, we could celebrate by having public readings of his Gettysburg Address. It is short, 272 words, and only takes
about two minutes, so there would be time for some commemorative activities. We could get together and have“ Abe Lincoln’ s Birthday pancake breakfasts with Log Cabin Syrup. After that we could have log-splitting competitions and maybe log cabin model making.
Besides reworking the already existing holidays, I propose the creation of a“ pop up” holiday. It would be in honor of snow days when they close the schools. It would start the night before as“ Snow Day Eve” and it would be celebrated by getting your kids, grandkids, or even neighborhood kids over for hot cocoa with marshmallows and homemade cookies, while you tell stories by the fire— traditional tales about having to walk through six miles of five-foot snow drifts while fighting off packs of rabid wolves, just to get to school. And how you used to get pulled down snow covered country roads on your Flexible Flyer sled behind your Uncle’ s 1952 Studebaker. Then Snow Day would be a day to get out the forgotten board games and demonstrate how we entertained ourselves before television and the inter-webs. The rest of the day could be spent arguing about who cheated, how lame Monopoly is anyways, and sulking.
Or you could just declare your own winter holiday and come down to celebrate in beautiful Brown County. •
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