On the Coast – Families Issue 102 I October/November 2019 | Page 27
Guide me to the place
where
falls away
I
sat in the carpark waiting for the
doors of the supermarket to open.
After perusing the isles for fresh fruit
and breakfast delights, I continued on my
way to an early morning meeting. One
by one the guests arrived. We made our
beverages of choice and gathered in our
allocated room. I was joined by
professionals ranging in roles and
qualifications, but all with the
commonality of caring for children aged
between 2 and 12 years. Kindergarten
teachers, counsellors, preschool owners
and directors. We set about our
introductions and our desire to create
deeper connections within our
community. As the conversation
progressed, our collective yearning soon
became evident: how do we best support
mothers as they navigate this often
challenging, yet vital role of raising
young children? What do they most need
to feel success, purpose, inspiration and
happiness?
Each of us were mums, so we get
it. We know the ups and downs. The
challenges. The expectations. The social
comparisons. The loneliness. The fear.
The exhaustion.
As we engaged, recounts of our
personal and professional stories were
shared. As professional educators, our
roles require us to regularly and
consistently reflect on our practices and
processes therefore we appreciate
first-hand, the valuable role this skill has
on our development and growth and of
future successes. When the suggestion of
personal reflection was tabled in the
context of mothers, we realised we believe
mothers are also experienced as reflective
beings. Each day mothers are questioning
themselves. They judge the dinner they
made, or that they didn’t, the clothes their
children wear, whether they’re spending
enough time with their children, if they’re
treating them equally, are they getting
enough sleep, and so on and so forth. In
fact, we believe mothers not only reflect
BY CATHERINE SCHASSER
on their parenting role, they quite
potentially pass judgment on their abilities
or lack there-of CONSTANTLY.
After agreeing on a mother’s ability to
reflect, the idea I extended from the
conversation bought me to the topic of guilt.
Mothers most definitely reflect on their
behaviours and that of their child’s. What I
propose from the many engagements and
conversations I’ve explored with mothers is
this: as the reflective thought process of
mothers passes through the mind (picture a
car driving on a road), the thought of a
mother often becomes parked in a bay
signed ‘Mother Guilt’. When this happens,
the car stops. The journey ends, preventing
the discovery of beneficial strategies and
growth which comes in the form of analysis,
curiosity, encouragement, compassion for
self and support of self. The mother begins
the journey of personal reflection however
this ceases quickly and repeatedly at the
same destination. Guilt. Do you relate?
Reasons for this are many and varied,
and unique to individual circumstances,
however for the sake of potential self-
discovery for the reader, I’m going to
generalise. A mother’s love for her chid
and pride in her role unconsciously set
expectations of a high standard. In the
mother’s bid to achieve these standards,
she often views herself as falling short.
The rich internal emotion felt by a
mother pulls at her heartstrings as she
yearns to provide the best. To be the
best. To do her best. Not for the world to
acknowledge or to champion, but to meet
her own expectations.
If the idea that a mother’s self-
reflection unconsciously leans toward
stopping at the parking bay signed
Mother Guilt, several flow-on effects
occur.
The ability to learn from this moment
is lost. The mother feels worse.
The mother’s physical, mental and
emotional wellbeing is jeopardised.
The mother feels worse.
The behaviour which caused the guilt
is likely to return. The mother feels
worse.
The cycle repeats and the child
unconsciously observes. The mother
feels worse.
The next time your reflective thoughts
flick the indicator in preparation of
stopping at the Mother Guilt parking bay,
try these 3 Tips To Keep You On Your
Journey To Where The Guilt Falls Away:
1. Remember the mother you want
to be. This should be your intention
and your why. I’m confident the
feelings, language and behaviours you
demonstrate when feeling guilty are
not aligned with the higher version of
you. Control your focus.
2. Play the reframe game. Take the
meaning you’re giving this event
(‘I’m a bad mum’ or something along
these lines, ie guilt) and change it to
one which is supportive, beneficial
and empowering (‘I did my best’, ‘I’ve
learning new ways’). You’re the only
person who can do this, yet there
are many who will benefit by you
mastering this new skill.
3. Get excited. Feeling guilty is like a
little present from your awareness.
It’s saying, ‘Hi, Guilt here. I thought I’d
pop up to let you know you’re straying
from what’s important to you. Have a
check in with yourself and your values
and you’ll be right back on track. See you
next time, Guilt.’
As you continue down the road of
mothering I urge you to be gentle with
yourself. Roll down the metaphoric
window, tune the radio to your favourite
station and breathe deeply as you notice
the surrounding views along your journey.
Stay wonderful and enjoy, Catherine
Catherine is a mother, life coach, early childhood
teacher and is co-founder of Developing Dreams,
a locally owned company which provides an
Early Learning Centre and Coaching
Services for mothers. Please email
[email protected] or call
4358 3155 for more information.
OCTOBER/NOVEMBER – ISSUE 102
27