On the Coast – Families Issue 102 I October/November 2019 | Page 26

I R I S F O U N D AT I O N
The courage to fail
BY ADRIENNE GARSIDE
A
ustralian young adult author and
school principal John Marsden
ruffled feathers recently after
making some candid observations about
modern parenting trends. His latest
non-fiction book explores the impact that
parental fear and over-protectiveness
can have on their children’s emotional
development. While some readers found
his words harsh and judgemental, they
contained an important truth. That is, to
develop a sense of their own competence,
children must be allowed to endure
disappointment, setbacks and failure.
Repeatedly and often.
This may seem counterintuitive to
parents who, understandably, don’t like
to see their children suffer physical or
emotional pain. Yet the ability to ‘bounce
back’ effectively from such difficulties
– also known as resilience – can only be
nurtured by tolerating a certain amount
of risk and uncertainty. Meeting every
need and removing every obstacle in
a child’s path might make them happy
in the moment. But over the long term,
it robs them of the chance to practise
important life skills like problem solving,
compromise and communication.
Each time a well-meaning parent or
caregiver steps in to ‘help’ resolve an
argument with a friend or ‘improve’
the quality of a homework assignment,
their child receives several unhelpful
messages. These might include: ‘I must do
everything perfectly’, ‘my best isn’t good
enough so why bother trying’, or simply,
‘I’m not good enough’. A child who is
not free to succeed or fail on their own
merits cannot learn to trust themselves
and their abilities.
I observe the results of this regularly
as a co-facilitator of Cool Connections
in School, which is a resilience-building
program for children in years 5 and
6. Developed and delivered by Iris
Foundation, the program supports
mental wellbeing through a series of
creative projects. It is not unusual to
see participants repeatedly tearing up
their work or sinking into gloominess
and negative self-talk. They become
so paralysed by the fear of making a
mistake that they are not able to enjoy
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ON T H E C OA S T – FAM ILIES

the process or complete the work. The
behaviour often carries over into regular
classroom activities.
To counter this, mental health
organisations such as Beyond Blue
encourage the introduction of ‘healthy
risks’. These are age-appropriate risks
that encourage children to challenge
themselves and to face the possibility
of loss or failure. Encouraging children
to simply ‘have a go’ regardless of the
outcome teaches them that messing up is
not the end of the world.
Joining in
The Central Coast is well-resourced
when it comes to after-school activities
of all kinds. Encourage your child to try
things that reflect their interests, which
may be different to their parents or
siblings. Especially for younger children,
the focus should be on participation and
effort rather than results. Free of the
pressure to succeed, children will realise
that they won’t always kick the winning
goal or be chosen to play the lead role,
and that’s OK. It is more important to
help them explore and develop their own
unique abilities.
Supporting from a distance
It is healthy to let children test their own
abilities without jumping in to smooth out
the edges. Yet it is also important to offer
support and encouragement when healthy
risks don’t work out as planned. Talk
through what happened with your child
and help them tease out their own ideas for
how they might improve next time around.
Letting them feel disappointment will allow
them to savour success more fully.
Seeking professional help
There are many factors that can
influence a young person’s mental
health, some of which are beyond
parental control. These include genetic
factors, individual temperament and
diagnosable conditions. Parents and
caregivers are usually well-placed to
know when a mental health issue has
begun to interfere with their child’s
everyday functioning. Reaching out
to doctors, school staff or community
organisations for
support early can
avoid the onset
of more complex
problems later in life.
Adrienne Garside works for Iris Foundation, a charity that aims to reduce the risk of suicide on the
Central Coast. The Foundation achieves this by facilitating and supporting awareness campaigns,
programs and partnerships which enhance community connectedness and well-being. For more
information, please visit: www.irisfoundation.org.au.