say ‘ I love you too ’ because that word has no meaning for me and I ’ m not an empty talker , so I ’ m just silent and grave .
That evening they talk about vitamin Ds and antidepressants , and that sets little warnings off in my head because antidepressant : what the actual fuck . I ’ m against all kinds of medication because they fuck up the body in undetected ways , and I don ’ t want mom to depend on them — or god forbid — become an addict just so she ’ s a little more upbeat for my sake . I ’ m having green tea ice cream when dad asks me to go to my room and close all the doors . They want to keep me in the dark about this but I put my ear on the door and try to listen to what they ’ re talking about . I can ’ t hear much . The next day , dad tells me the meds are nothing serious , and I really don ’ t have a choice but to take his words at face value .
*****
Me : I feel so bad for them because they ’ re polar opposites and they have to spend the rest of their lives together and I ’ m the only thing that ’ s holding them together .
Sis : You think so ? I don ’ t think you ’ re the only thing holding them together . Me : Okay , me and inertia , I guess .
Sis : Well . I think that ’ s like a small part of the picture . The twenty years they ’ ve spent together is exactly what they have in common , quite literally . They understand each other best , who else ? But I also think they share some values : honesty , frugality , commitment to family . You don ’ t think so ?
Me :
Sis : I often wonder if they would have been happier if they met someone else . But I ’ m not so sure . I hardly think each other is their problem . I think those problems would have surfaced in any marriage they were going to go into . What do you think ?
Me : Me : I think I ’ m the problem . Sis :
Sis : Look , I know what you ’ re going through because trust me , I ’ ve been there before and it ’ s not pretty . And I didn ’ t even have a sibling to talk to back then because you were so little . But you ’ re not the problem . God , I wish someone told me that when I was younger . You shouldn ’ t ever beat yourself over it because they still love you no matter what . Okay ? You ’ re not the problem .
***** It costs about 300,000 dollars to raise a child here , a veritable industry in itself .
I look in the mirror and remember to remind myself : I am loved , I deserve to exist , I am not the problem . Things will be okay .
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