I unfreeze and mechanically pick up all the candles from the floor, wipe down the table, and put the cake away because I don’ t want it. I don’ t think I’ ll ever want something again.
They start arguing again, but I’ ve had enough for a day. I’ m sick and tired so I go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror, my hands braced on the sink. I just look at myself for a long, long time and I don’ t want to hear them anymore so I shut the door closed and look at myself some more, wondering what went wrong and how to fix this. I finally text my sister to tell her what’ s going on in the house and squat on the tiled floor with my phone because I don’ t feel safe in my room and the bathroom feels more secure somehow.
There’ s a knock on the door and dad asks if I’ m there, and I answer yes and my voice sounds grave and foreign, which is funny because I’ m not crying. I’ m not crying but my voice sounds like I’ ve been crying for a real long time, so dad must have jumped to conclusions because when I finally do come out of the bathroom he hugs me tight and asks if I’ m okay. I can see his eyes are a little shiny but I’ m really okay. He says he’ s lucky to have me here because it would’ ve been worse had he had to go through this alone. I instantly feel so bad for him because I can text my sister but he doesn’ t have that luxury.
*****
Faces tradeoff. In exchange for a second daughter, mom and dad could have spent an exorbitant amount of money and a great deal of time. There are a hundred could-have-beens for my parents and I like to think about each and every one of them:
Mom could have gotten her Ph. D in social work and actually made a name for herself.
Dad could have become a full-time professor or a writer or a counselor or a consultant, because he’ s talented like that.
Both of them could have had a bigger house and travel around the world and buy expensive things just for the sake of buying them.
Mom could have been freed from the shackles of housework because my sister’ s far less maintenance than I am.
Dad could have retired by now and gone golfing with his high school friends every Sunday. So many things in the world could have gone right.
It does get better with time.
*****
Mom says I shouldn’ t tell my sister what’ s going on because she has the LSAT to worry about on top of everything else, but I disagree because she deserves to know what’ s going on back home. Mom talks about her like she’ s a delicate flower and often underestimates her. My sister had her fair share of depression and she’ s much stronger than I am, more emotionally mature. So I nod when mom tells me not to make my sister worry, but I know I definitely will when something like this happens again and I don’ t even feel guilty for it.
31
The morning after, dad announces that mom has something to tell me so I wait with anxious anticipation like a man bracing himself for a particularly bad storm. Mom tells me she’ s just grateful and proud that I don’ t get stressed out studying all the time and that she loves me, and hugs me and starts to tear up. It’ s too emotional for my taste but I hug her back and pat her on the back awkwardly because we never do these kind of things. I can’ t bring myself to