never guessed how hurt I was. I guess cutting
was my way of telling everyone that I existed, even though I was the one who isolated
herself, but most of all it was my way to regain a sort of control over my body that, with
eating too much, I had lost.
MEANING
Once I started to understand the meaning
and the reason of what I had done, accepting it and realizing it was a mistake was a lot
easier. I knew I didn’t want to kill myself, but
now I’m able to understand that I shouldn’t have done it anyway. There are other
ways to express one’s pain and discomfort
and cutting is not the solution. I’m lucky, in
a certain way because I only did it once,
but that single time almost killed me, so I got
so scared that I didn’t want to do that ever
again. I know lots of teenagers start cutting
in a “softer” way and it becomes an addiction, for me it wasn’t like that, but the point
is that cutting ends up killing you, no matter
how long you’ve been doing it. It’s terrifying
to think that just a deeper cut and I wouldn’t
be here today, talking about my mistake.
I do understand that now that it’s done, I
can’t go back. There’s nothing I can do to
change it and no matter how many times I
say that I’m sorry, the people who love me
are never going to forget it. In a sense, some
of them I knew will never look at me the
same way they did before, but I’m not complaining, because being so near to death,
made me realize who I can really trust and
who is really always going to be there for
me.
The important thing is to accept what I’ve
done and to stop feeling guilty and asha-
med about it. I cover my scar with bracelets and long sleeved shirts, but this doesn’t
mean that I want to forget what happened.
If I think back I really can’t believe that I tried
to hurt myself so bad, and I know I will never
do it again, that’s why I want to spread my
experience. I know there are girls and boys
out there who can’t forgive themselves and
keep asking why they are the way they are
and by saying how I got over it, I really hope
I can help them to do the same.
My advice is to take time to think, to listen to
your heart and really stop being ashamed
of the way you feel. It’s okay to admit that
other people scares you. It’s okay to admit
that words can hurt. It’s okay to feel bad
about your mistake, but then you have to
accept it and go on with your life. You made
a mistake, but you don’t have to regret it,
because it made you understand the value
of your own life, a life that you used to think
was worthless.
Of course trying to commit suicide is not
something you have to be proud of, but at
least try not to repress it, and make yourself
believe that, in a certain may, it made yourself a better person. For example, I can tell
that now I’m a lot more understanding and
observing than I was before. I try to be kinder
to people, because I now realize how bad-
{
}
Trying to commit
suicide is not something
to be proud of. And it´s
not the solution.