and March. I was under a lot of pressure
because it was my last year of high school
and I was dreading my final exams. I started
to eat too much again, and in a couple of
weeks I was once again the same fat and
ugly girl that I was before. Some people
around me started to notice, most of all
some relatives, and their words really broke
me. I kept eating, because I told myself that
even when I was thinner people didn’t care
about me. They didn’t want to get to know
me, boys didn’t ask me to go out with them.
So why should I have tried to be thin if things
weren’t changing for me? So I kept eating,
until I had the courage to look at myself in
the mirror and to see what I had become. I
tried some of the clothes I had bought after
I lost weight and of course they didn’t fit me
anymore.
I knew I was fatter, but having the reality in
front of my eyes, seeing the too small clothes, was simply too much. I started feeling
bad about myself again. I refused to go out,
I spent entire afternoons and weekends in
my room, without seeing any of my friends.
Then May arrived, and the exams were just
a month away. That pressure, added to my
weight and my usual shyness and social
anxiety, was simply too much. I started to
think that I needed someone to talk to, but I
didn’t know who. Of course I could’ve talked to my friends, but I didn’t want to, because there they were, beautiful, skinny and
so easy going with boys. I felt different, separated even, from them. My parents were out
of discussion, because my father had lost
his job and there was a lot of tension and
troubles in my house, I just didn’t want to be
another problem for them.
DIFFERENT
I thought I could manage it. I thought it was
just another tough period, and that I could
overcome it alone, as I’d always done before. I still don’t know what made that difficult
time different from all the others. Maybe it
was the fact that I had no idea of what to
do with my life after high school, the fact
that my future scared me rather than excited me. I felt lik e everything I did was pointless, because there was no way I could get
rid of those negative thoughts. High school
or not, I knew I was always going to feel
uncomfortable with new people, always ashamed of myself, and let’s be clear, I knew
that being the way I was, so scared all the
time, I was going to fail at everything that I
felt like doing in my life. I was just hopeless
and I guess the idea of not being able to escape of myself was what made me reckless
and cut in that shower.
It’s just, I was so sick of feeling hurt and bad
about myself, but it was a kind of pain that
wasn’t touchable, because it only existed in
my mind. I knew that is was real, though, so
I wanted to be able to feel it, to taste it, to
demonstrate I wasn’t just paranoid, that all
those feelings were really killing me, even if
my body was fine and nobody could have
{
}
I wish I hadn’t been so
scared all the time
and that I had taken
more risks.