school, I thought a lot about what I had
done, why I had done it and I couldn’t help
but wonder what would have happened if
one of those cuts had been too deep.
To understand all of it, I tried to think of myself before that day in the shower. Even then
I was aware of the fact that my life had never been easy. There is no particular reason
for it, I mean there isn’t a particular relevant
or tragic event in my past that made my life
difficult for me. I have a house, both my parents are alive, I’m not rich but I’m not poor
either.
Then where did all that pain come from?
Even after three months, I can’t seem to find
the right answer, the one that explains it all.
My body was definitely the biggest reason,
but I can’t say it was the only one.
TAKING RISKS
I’ve always been a quiet person, discreet,
almost solitary. When I started high school I
was determined to make new friends, to become a popular girl, but that never happened because as the years went by, I hardly
ever left my classroom during breaks and I
was scared to talk to anybody that wasn’t
from my class and that I didn’t know personally. I don’t know why, I just think I felt more
comfortable like that. Meeting and talking
to new people made me anxious so I just
stopped trying. Obviously the others were
not interested in me, so I just always stayed
with the same three or four friends.
Now that high school is over, I don’t regret
my choice, because I know that even if we’re going to take different roads, I will always
be able to rely on my friends. I am happy to
have them, but if I look back I wish I hadn’t
been so scared all the time and that I had
taken more risks. In the hallways I was afraid
to look around, scared to catch someone
looking and laughing at me. I was almost
scared of them and I’d rather be invisible
than having them make fun of me for the
way I look. My body was definitely one of
the biggest reason for that discomfort. It
took a while for me to realize that, but now
I’m almost sure it’s the origin of it all. I simply didn’t like the way I looked. Too tall. Too
fat. Always clumsy and awkward. I couldn’t
bear to look at myself in the mirror, so I didn’t
want anybody else to look at me.
Last year, after summer, I managed to lose a
lot of weight, so I finally started to feel normal. I mean, I still wasn’t comfortable in my
own skin, but at least I was no longer fat and
I allowed myself to go out without the same
long and large clothes. I felt good because I
was starting to think of myself as every other
girl. I knew I wasn’t beautiful but I started to
gain a little bit of confidence in myself.
Things started to get bad again in February