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banner “Better Than You” (actual banner
printed on a patchwork quilt of baby rabbit
hides) and lock the doors so that everybody
else that wanted to be part of our gang
knew they were not welcome. Then we all
patted each other on the backs and drank
the wine that the people outside had paid
for and we laughed heartily. Like pirates do
in films.
SAY is great because it fundamentally
means that we don’t actually need to
be good at what we do but as long as
we say it often enough and sad, lonely
people working desk jobs at Creative
Scotland continue to crave photographs
of themselves standing next to Belly
Sloan and Rocky Ross we will always have
a publicly funded opportunity to foster
this idea that we aren’t just a bunch of
nepotistic charlatans with a strange-hold
on the domestic media and notions of
cool.”
Words: Kelly Hellish
In light of it’s sky-rocketing popularity amongst those in the inner circle, this year’s event
features a number of significant changes. Sebastopol gave us a sneak peak at some of these:
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All red wine will be served in the hollowed out skulls of the unworthy.
All of the bar will be the end of the bar so people hanging out at the bar can
rest assured that they are special.
The first prize of £20,000 has been replaced with invincibility and a 1-up.
Pop Cop to be granted temporary powers of arrest and execution.
New sponsors Tommy Hilfiger and Babecast hoped to bring an air of
respectability.
The words “dreary”, “bed-wetting” and “indie” prohibited.
Those working as unpaid A+R for major record labels no longer permitted to
touch the hem of Simon Neil’s garment after acute fraying to his velveteen cloak
last year.
First screening of new STV series “Mogway”, an hilarious Monkees-esque
situational comedy depicting the entertaining hijinx of a post rock band and
their hapless drummer.
Throughout the course of the evening, people will be plucked from the throngs
of autograph seekers outside and sent running, naked, through the room,
between tables, whilst paddled on the backside with the special complimentary
“SAY” paddles handed out upon entry. NB: Special prizes will be awarded to the
musicians who most thoroughly humiliate the uninvited.
The Proclaimers journey from comedy teuchters to serious, sexed-up, leatherclad national export will be cemented with live performance atop a golden
Lamborghini featuring guest appearances by Slash, Snoop Dogg and the
prophet Muhammad (pictured below).
David Bowie to issue grovelling public apology for knee-jerk patronizing
dalliances in national politics before being set upon by a feral Eddie Reader.
Tragic mistakes of the past to be commemorated with giant granite statue of
GUN bearing the words “Never Again”.
Everyone selected must pretend they listened to the other records nominated
and not just their own albums on repeat.
Tickets for the SAY awards are available from all good outlets. Simply take a utility bill to the counter to prove you
are a UK taxpayer at which point you will be greeted with hysterical laughter, slapped in the face, have your pockets
rummaged through for additional change then tossed back into the street like the worthless loser you are.