PINHEED’S GUIDE TO METAL
PINHEED’S
GUIDE TO
L
META
METAL was originally
devised back in the early
90s by Glasgow University
Scientists that were studying the
connections between sleeveless
t-shirts, chronic masturbation
and having no bird. Once the
outsiders’ genre of choice, it has
now flourished with over 300
fans on Bebo, as well as a rich
diversity of sub-genres such as
‘New Metal’ (Static X, Carry On
Gastric Bypass) and ‘Auld Metal’
(Def Leopard, Sex Monster). On a
personal note I LOVE leather and
suffering, so Metal is my number
one choice every time. Here we
take a closer look at some of
the best in the genre commonly
referred to as “Deadly Rock”...
PANTERA - These three rowdy guys
from Siberia took their name from singer
Eddie Stobbart’s love of intense currys,
the following farts and the dark slurry that
would destroy his undergarments. Originally
called Pant Error they became PANTERA to
aid drummer ‘Solid Snake’s pronunciation
as he developed a lisp after losing his job as
a bin bag. Utilising a groundbreaking lyrical
style, Stobbart would “spell” farts that were
ejected from his rear (or “Stench Cannon”
as it’s credited on their debut album). Short
staccato farts he would call “Frats” or “Pert
Prets”, slower more bass rich farts he would
spell as “Borsts” or “Frlaaaars”. Combing
these new words with his already powerful
vocals created a rich and gassy new lexicon
that the METAL world would soon come to
embrace. Unfortunately the band broke up
after guitarist Bag-Darrell was offered his
dream job at a Greggs in Brighton.
LIMP BIZKIT - After their joint-owned
chippy ‘Mr Chips’ shut down, these boys had
no choice but to start a HARD ROCK band
to earn cash to keep them in their three
Berghaus Mera Peak-a-day habits. They
recorded their debut “Cider With Bams”
inside drummer ‘Chocolate Chip’ Charlie’s
mind with finances provided by Wolf from
Gladiators on the condition that they would
get him a ‘chipped’ PS2 and a meeting with
Celtic icon Tosh McKinlay. The album came
out on ASDA’s ‘Smart Price’ label along
with a new type of cheap mystery meat and
went on to sell over 8 copies. They broke up
soon after due to singer Charles Fluffington
getting his head stuck in a fence during
a school sports day. However, the album
remains a high point in METAL to this day.