h
STICKY PAGES SHED NEW
LIGHT ON MARK’S GOSPEL
BIBLE fans were left reeling this week after it
was discovered that two pages of the oldest
remaining copy of The Gospel of Mark have
been stuck together for centuries. Biblical
student Randy Penance stumbled across the
anomaly during an idle thumbing of the holy
book on a wet Wednesday afternoon. The
gluing is located early in Mark:3 and, though
final lab results are not yet public knowledge,
provisional examinations suggest that the
adhesive was an 1800 year-old bogey, probably
sneezed out by a monk whilst admiring the
entirely explainable scientific glory of the sun.
The ramifications of the error are huge and
wide-reaching however. The two pages, read
for the first time in almost two millennia,
describe a wild night out undertaken by Jesus
the eve before he ascended the mountain to
summon his followers in typically understated
fashion.
In the account, Jesus is seen to down six shots
of primitive bourbon before getting into a
brawl with a Roman soldier referred to only as
“Tony”. After being ejected from the premises,
Jesus is described as standing in the street
swearing at the bar owner and asking “Do you
know who my dad is?” before urinating on
a nearby leper. Though the pages are also
partially soiled by a coffee ring, Jesus can then
clearly be seen to get into a compromising
situation in a gay disco, returning home arm
in arm with a smooth-chested young Egyptian
dancer named “Saucy Barry” with whom he
then spends the night, emerging crusty and
dishevelled into the warm Arabian air the next
morning for his walk up the big hill.
This has thrown Christian scholars into
disarray, pulling 48 hour shifts as they
struggled to collate a list of homosexuals,
wrongly executed though-out the last 20
centuries, for immediate pardon as well as
having to instantly rethink policies on adultery,
swearing and pissing on the sick.
Church officials have yet to release an official
statement, only Father Paddy MacNipple
was willing to comment, making light with
his observation that “All of these book ́ݕɔ)