Though the Jews and Muslims
seem to get a lot of press
for their glamour ties in the
Middle East, it is important
to give credit to the great
work done by all faiths in
dispatching each other to the
next life across the globe on a
daily basis. Nowhere has this
been more evident than in the
previously Godless corners of
Fresh epiphanies from the world of anti-science
South East Asia.”
beatify the corpses in a typically Francis was joined in his praise
meaningless ceremony next
for the soaring levels of faithweekend.
based murder and resultant
“When you really get down to
heavenly reward by leaders of
it” he said this week “Religion
the other Abrahamic faiths,
is all about dying. Let’s put
with the Jews promising to
our differences aside for a
more thoroughly antagonise
moment. If there is one thing
their Arab neighbours in a bid
that all Christians, as well as
to keep up with the Christian
ALL round nice guy and Catholic
our Jewish and Muslim cousins example and Islamic clerics
Pin-up of Choice 2014, Pope
can agree on, it is that dying is
announcing a new web-based
Francis, is due to make his way
the shizzness. All the good stuff competition encouraging
to South Korea this August it has
starts once you die and really,
people of all ages to devise
emerged. The news broke last
it’s a bit of a drag having to wait innovative new ways of being
Tuesday morning when official
about like a bunch of dicks.”
executed for their religion.
Vatican spokesman, The Burning
Reflecting on the much-debated Though, after a number of high
Bush, held a press conference in
but as-yet non-negotiable
profile scandals, they have
which a booming ethereal voice
“Suicide/Sin” clause in the
urged people to closely observe
decreed the Papal Father would
various Holy Books, he
the rules as disqualification on
voyage to the heathen jungle lands continued “I am just so proud
the grounds of suicide means
of South East Asia, previously
that so many new recruits have eternal damnation, denial of
body-swerved by Francis’
circumvented this dubious
afterlife virgins and bed with
predecessor Joseph Goebbels.
legislation and been fastno dessert.
The reasons behind the trip have
tracked. It shows real initiative.” God was unavailable for
been given as a number of things
Addressing a stadium full of the comment on the new figures
including excellent local cuisine,
victims’ families, presumably
with rumours suggesting
beautiful scenery and dropping
grieving with delight, he added that He might actually be
a couple of Priests off at Paul
“I am also encouraged to see
completely made up and
Gadd’s house. However it was later increased levels of cooperation
the entire situation is an
revealed that the central purpose
across the religious divide.
unspeakable tragedy.
will be to celebrate tumbling
WORDS: KELLY HELLISH
education standards and the
resultant rise of Catholicism in the
area, amongst many other faiths
also on the up.
Of most delight to the Catholic
Church have been the skyrocketing number of martyrs the
new conversion rate and religious
tensions have yielded, with
estimates suggesting Christians
could be scoring as high as six
figures in the last year alone.
Frankie and the boys at Vatican
Rock City have commended this
remarkable turnover in lives - the
highest level in recorded history
Papa Frank applauds the bones of hundreds of efficient martyrs
- with the big man preparing to
HOLY SHIT
NOTHING
ELSE
MARTYRS