know how to cultivate it more fully . I ’ ll then give you several practical suggestions for getting your seemingly disparate sex drives into the same gear .
What Women Want
In the film Annie Hall , Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown split -‐ screen as each talks to an analyst about their sexual relationship . When the analyst asks how often they have sex , he answers , “ Hardly ever , maybe three times a week ,” while she describes it as “ constantly , three times a week .”
How is it that a husband and wife can view the frequency of sex so differently ? The answer is found , in great part , by understanding how a woman becomes sexually aroused and motivated . Too often , men assume that the way our libido works is ( or should be ) the same way hers works . But it ’ s not that simple . In fact , it requires a bit of study . “ Every woman is a science ,” said John Donne . And if you take a moment to study your wife , you will discover that her libido , though quite different than yours , is more powerful than you think .
Here are some of the most important points in understanding your wife ’ s libido .
Women Equate Sex with Emotional Assurance
One reason for the perceived distinction in male -‐ female motivations for sex is that we are socialized in different ways about sexuality and marriage . Men tend to see sex as a pleasurable , physical activity . In fact , even if you ’ re feeling stressed or out of synch with your wife you ’ re unlikely to turn down sex with her . Not so for women . Your wife sees sex as a sign of emotional bonding and confidence with you . She needs to feel sure of your emotional togetherness before she can free up her physical togetherness . And if she doesn ’ t feel close and connected with you , you ’ re chances for feeling “ close and connected ” in bed are miniscule .
These separate meanings that the two genders ascribe to sex can become the source of a great deal of miscommunication and misunderstanding in marriage . Consider the following comments made by a wife and husband who step into my counseling office after three or four years of marriage :
Wife — He keeps saying he wants to make love , but it doesn ’ t feel like love to me . Sometimes I feel bad that I feel that way , but I just can ’ t help it .
Husband — I don ’ t understand . She says it doesn ’ t feel like love . What does that mean , anyway ? What does she think love is ? I want to have sex with her because I love her !
In this marriage , as in many others , the husband sees himself as showing his love to his wife by engaging her in sexual activity . The wife , on the other hand , sees sexual activity as something that should evolve out of verbal expressions of affection and love . Like a scene from a Woody Allen movie that cuts too close to home , this couple bickers continually about how frequently they have sex – never knowing that their socialization is contributing to their perceived difference in sexual motivation .
Women Withhold Sex When Feeling Hurt