know how to cultivate it more fully. I’ ll then give you several practical suggestions for getting your seemingly disparate sex drives into the same gear.
What Women Want
In the film Annie Hall, Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are shown split-‐ screen as each talks to an analyst about their sexual relationship. When the analyst asks how often they have sex, he answers,“ Hardly ever, maybe three times a week,” while she describes it as“ constantly, three times a week.”
How is it that a husband and wife can view the frequency of sex so differently? The answer is found, in great part, by understanding how a woman becomes sexually aroused and motivated. Too often, men assume that the way our libido works is( or should be) the same way hers works. But it’ s not that simple. In fact, it requires a bit of study.“ Every woman is a science,” said John Donne. And if you take a moment to study your wife, you will discover that her libido, though quite different than yours, is more powerful than you think.
Here are some of the most important points in understanding your wife’ s libido.
Women Equate Sex with Emotional Assurance
One reason for the perceived distinction in male-‐ female motivations for sex is that we are socialized in different ways about sexuality and marriage. Men tend to see sex as a pleasurable, physical activity. In fact, even if you’ re feeling stressed or out of synch with your wife you’ re unlikely to turn down sex with her. Not so for women. Your wife sees sex as a sign of emotional bonding and confidence with you. She needs to feel sure of your emotional togetherness before she can free up her physical togetherness. And if she doesn’ t feel close and connected with you, you’ re chances for feeling“ close and connected” in bed are miniscule.
These separate meanings that the two genders ascribe to sex can become the source of a great deal of miscommunication and misunderstanding in marriage. Consider the following comments made by a wife and husband who step into my counseling office after three or four years of marriage:
Wife— He keeps saying he wants to make love, but it doesn’ t feel like love to me. Sometimes I feel bad that I feel that way, but I just can’ t help it.
Husband— I don’ t understand. She says it doesn’ t feel like love. What does that mean, anyway? What does she think love is? I want to have sex with her because I love her!
In this marriage, as in many others, the husband sees himself as showing his love to his wife by engaging her in sexual activity. The wife, on the other hand, sees sexual activity as something that should evolve out of verbal expressions of affection and love. Like a scene from a Woody Allen movie that cuts too close to home, this couple bickers continually about how frequently they have sex – never knowing that their socialization is contributing to their perceived difference in sexual motivation.
Women Withhold Sex When Feeling Hurt