Louisiana Rubber Down Magazine November Vol. 12 | Page 16

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across

How to give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if

holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver fro m garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
RUBBER DOWN MAGAZINE

NOVEMBER 2013

PAGE 16

the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed.. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
___________________________________________
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.
“Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a minute
and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me...” God commented, “Well, what’s
the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?” Arthur was a
bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you
the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2... It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied
God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to
Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours.”