Ill-informed, bold changes can add to the confusion in your life and marriage. If you later realize these initial changes were not a good fit, you may feel like you are“ going back on your word” or are“ being weak” if you reverse or alter them. The most important thing you can do as the dust settles is begin getting the information you need to make important decisions and find a support network. More will be said about this later in Step 1. The best initial action is to go from isolated to guided, rather than unaware to running alone in the darkness of partial or inaccurate information.
Separation is one of the more difficult decisions. In the following situations, immediate separation is advisable:
a. If the sexual sin is against a child. In this case, your spouse’ s actions are criminal, not just immoral. Contacting Child Protective Services or law enforcement and taking the steps necessary to ensure the safety of children is your responsibility as a citizen. This responsibility supersedes any obligations you may feel as a spouse.
b. If your spouse has a history of being abusive and the affair is what has prompted you to look for help, it is wise for you to seek additional guidance on how to ensure your safety. If you need someone to talk to about making this kind of plan, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1 – 800 – 799 – 7233 and has experienced helpers available 24 / 7.
It is easy for separation to become a distraction( e. g., finding an apartment, deciding who pays what bills, setting time with kids, determining how often to talk on the phone). It introduces many changes that must be managed. Where criminal behavior or violence is involved, that distraction is more than warranted. When nonnegotiables are resisted, separation may be wise. However, using separation simply as a statement of the seriousness of the sin can be counterproductive.
The goal for decision-making in this early phase is to keep the main thing the main thing. Premature separation, verbally attacking the adultery partner, punitively telling your spouse’ s parents or friends, or having a revenge affair all accomplish one thing— replacing the original sexual sin as the focal point of change.
3. Don’ t excuse or deny sin. If the prior two points were about“ don’ t hurry,” this one is about“ not giving up.” Surrender can come in two varieties: denial or excuse. We want to avoid both.
Some of us are tempted to try to live in denial as if our spouse’ s sin never happened. Maybe
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