harm than good to you. Whatever cathartic relief they provide, the net effect of these kinds of statements is that they make the uncertain path in front of you murkier rather than clearer.
It is better to say,“ I am angry... I feel hurt... I don’ t feel safe with you... I don’ t believe anything you say... I don’ t know if I am willing to remain married,” than to say,“ What if I sleep with your best friend? Maybe I should send them some pictures... Don’ t think I haven’ t had chances to cheat. Maybe next time I’ ll take my chance... You were willing to risk our family for a sexual thrill, so don’ t think I’ ll let you see the kids if we divorce.”
While simple truth doesn’ t seem to communicate all that you are experiencing, threats muddle rather than clarify what you are trying to communicate. The ensuing conversations become about who propositioned you, divorce details, or child visitation sched- ules rather than the impact of your spouse’ s sexual sin on you and the marriage. You walk away more convinced your spouse doesn’ t“ get it,” and your spouse walks away thinking about the content of the threats more than their own sin.
Read James 3:1 – 12. Please don’ t read this passage as a rebuke or an admonition to keep quiet about your pain. It is neither. But James is telling us that our words matter because our words— like a rudder— impact the direction of our life. This devotion is merely a caution to remember that rash words in hard times can be like a match near gasoline. Yes, your spouse’ s sin spilled and spread the gasoline. But being careless with our words hurts everyone involved. Weighing your words is a way to reduce your own pain and, if you have children, the impact this season has on them. Your spouse has no right at this time to say,“ Talk nicer,” but your heavenly Father— out of concern for limiting the pain you experience— would encourage you to avoid temptation toward careless speech only meant to return pain to your spouse.
2. Be patient making changes. The revelation of sexual sin drops like a bomb. If we don’ t make significant decisions quickly, it can feel like we are condoning or ignoring the explosion. But as we’ ve alluded to, it is likely that you currently have incomplete and inaccurate information. That should impact how you make decisions more than the alarms going off in your soul.
When a child is lost in a public place, the first thing we tell them to do is“ Stay put. Don’ t run and, thereby, get more confused. Instead, look for someone who can help; perhaps a police officer or employee.” Similar advice applies after the discovery of sexual sin. We don’ t want to add to the disorientation. We want to find people who can help.
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