until disarming and de-escalation have taken place . We lower the temperature of an argument when one of us is willing to be the first to put down our arms , listen to the other , and show understanding as a demonstration of care for the relationship , not just what ’ s at stake for us individually .
Early in our marriage , when Sharon and I argued , the typical cycle began with some discussion that I inevitably became defensive about . Sharon , being quick-witted and a master wordsmith , would unload her argument on me like a machine gun firing off its rounds — bududududududu . I would then shut down , and Sharon would retreat to the bedroom to “ reload .”
She would emerge , the argument would resume , and the cycle would continue until
one of us finally stopped arguing and started listening . We demonstrated our listening by rehearsing what we heard the other saying . “ So , what I hear you saying is . . .” became the phrase that indicated one of us was tired of arguing and wanted to move the discussion in a more productive direction .
But this also forfeited our ground to “ win ” the argument . We had to care more about the relationship than winning , and that often meant acknowledging the legitimate hurt the other person had felt .
Humility is the key that unlocks this ability to acknowledge the brokenness we ’ ve caused or the wrong we ’ ve done . This doesn ’ t mean we take responsibility for things we didn ’ t cause or do . It means we ’ re willing to take the first step to disarm and deescalate the direction
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