of the argument because we care more about the relationship than “ winning .”
Long-Term Gain Is Worth Short-Term Pain
This leads to the second way in which our difficult childhood prepared us for healthy relationships : it taught us to value long-term gain over avoiding short-term pain . In other words , we have grit . We realize that the shortterm pain necessary to heal a relationship is far better than the pain of long-term brokenness . Often the short-term pain is the humiliation involved in admitting everything isn ’ t okay and asking for help . The consequence of avoiding this short-term pain is perpetuating the ongoing , compounding impact of the unhealth we didn ’ t ask for or deserve but nevertheless inherited as children .
When I share with others that Sharon and I go to counseling , one of the common responses we get is “ But isn ’ t that expensive ? How do you afford it ?” My response is a little tonguein-cheek , but I reply , “ Have you ever seen a divorce ? We can ’ t afford not to !” The reality is , it ’ s either an expense we pay on the front end for health and happiness in our relationship , or it ’ s a lump sum of cash we pay at the end — on top of pain , brokenness , despair , and grief of a lost relationship . The long-term gain is worth the short-term pain .
As a child who grew up in difficult circumstances , we were often aware of what the long-term gain could be , if only our parent or parents would do the work necessary to bring the healing . Though we didn ’ t see healing realized , this experience ingrained in us what should be done and should be valued for the good of the relationship .
While my parents were separated , my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer . My mom saw this as a second chance for their relationship and for their marriage . After my father ’ s surgery to remove the cancer , he moved back home and things seemed to be heading in the right direction . But it wasn ’ t long before my father returned to using alcohol , eventually leading to their final separation and divorce .
I often wonder what might ’ ve been if my father had really committed himself to healing . What if he had been able to see the longterm gain of the short-term pain to address his addiction ? How would things have been different ? Would he still be alive because he chose to stop drinking at that point ? Could my parents still be together ? Could his healing have been a powerful witness to the healing that God can bring to a relationship ? Could it have been a witness to the way tragedies can lead to beautiful things ?
Fighting for One Another
Finally , our difficult childhood prepared us for healthy relationships in that it taught us the importance of fighting for one another . The beauty of this is , when we learn to fight for each other , we find that we don ’ t have to fight for ourselves . We don ’ t have to fight for our needs because we know the other person is already doing that for us .
This is a profoundly biblical picture of what
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