CHAPTER XXXIV 501 had continued to neglect me .
One evening when , at bedtime , his sisters and I stood round him , bidding him good-night , he kissed each of them , as was his custom ; and , as was equally his custom , he gave me his hand . Diana , who chanced to be in a frolicsome humour ( SHE was not painfully controlled by his will ; for hers , in another way , was as strong ), exclaimed -
" St . John ! you used to call Jane your third sister , but you don ' t treat her as such : you should kiss her too ."
She pushed me towards him . I thought Diana very provoking , and felt uncomfortably confused ; and while I was thus thinking and feeling , St . John bent his head ; his Greek face was brought to a level with mine , his eyes questioned my eyes piercingly -- he kissed me . There are no such things as marble kisses or ice kisses , or I should say my ecclesiastical cousin ' s salute belonged to one of these classes ; but there may be experiment kisses , and his was an experiment kiss . When given , he viewed me to learn the result ; it was not striking : I am sure I did not blush ; perhaps I might have turned a little pale , for I felt as if this kiss were a seal affixed to my fetters . He never omitted the ceremony afterwards , and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it , seemed to invest it for him with a certain charm .
As for me , I daily wished more to please him ; but to do so , I felt daily more and more that I must disown half my nature , stifle half my faculties , wrest my tastes from their original bent , force myself to the adoption of pursuits for which I had no natural vocation . He wanted to train me to an elevation I could never reach ; it racked me hourly to aspire to the standard he uplifted . The thing was as impossible as to mould my irregular features to his correct and classic pattern , to give to my changeable green eyes the sea-blue tint and solemn lustre of his own .
Not his ascendancy alone , however , held me in thrall at present . Of late it had been easy enough for me to look sad : a cankering evil sat at my heart and drained my happiness at its source -- the evil of suspense .