CHAPTER XXXIV 502
Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr . Rochester , reader , amidst these changes of place and fortune . Not for a moment . His idea was still with me , because it was not a vapour sunshine could disperse , nor a sand-traced effigy storms could wash away ; it was a name graven on a tablet , fated to last as long as the marble it inscribed . The craving to know what had become of him followed me everywhere ; when I was at Morton , I re-entered my cottage every evening to think of that ; and now at Moor House , I sought my bedroom each night to brood over it .
In the course of my necessary correspondence with Mr . Briggs about the will , I had inquired if he knew anything of Mr . Rochester ' s present residence and state of health ; but , as St . John had conjectured , he was quite ignorant of all concerning him . I then wrote to Mrs . Fairfax , entreating information on the subject . I had calculated with certainty on this step answering my end : I felt sure it would elicit an early answer . I was astonished when a fortnight passed without reply ; but when two months wore away , and day after day the post arrived and brought nothing for me , I fell a prey to the keenest anxiety .
I wrote again : there was a chance of my first letter having missed . Renewed hope followed renewed effort : it shone like the former for some weeks , then , like it , it faded , flickered : not a line , not a word reached me . When half a year wasted in vain expectancy , my hope died out , and then I felt dark indeed .
A fine spring shone round me , which I could not enjoy . Summer approached ; Diana tried to cheer me : she said I looked ill , and wished to accompany me to the sea-side . This St . John opposed ; he said I did not want dissipation , I wanted employment ; my present life was too purposeless , I required an aim ; and , I suppose , by way of supplying deficiencies , he prolonged still further my lessons in Hindostanee , and grew more urgent in requiring their accomplishment : and I , like a fool , never thought of resisting him -- I could not resist him .
One day I had come to my studies in lower spirits than usual ; the ebb was occasioned by a poignantly felt disappointment . Hannah had told me in the