CHAPTER XXVII 396
the schoolroom as still as your own desk and easel ; if by chance I met you , you passed me as soon , and with as little token of recognition , as was consistent with respect . Your habitual expression in those days , Jane , was a thoughtful look ; not despondent , for you were not sickly ; but not buoyant , for you had little hope , and no actual pleasure . I wondered what you thought of me , or if you ever thought of me , and resolved to find this out .
" I resumed my notice of you . There was something glad in your glance , and genial in your manner , when you conversed : I saw you had a social heart ; it was the silent schoolroom -- it was the tedium of your life -- that made you mournful . I permitted myself the delight of being kind to you ; kindness stirred emotion soon : your face became soft in expression , your tones gentle ; I liked my name pronounced by your lips in a grateful happy accent . I used to enjoy a chance meeting with you , Jane , at this time : there was a curious hesitation in your manner : you glanced at me with a slight trouble -- a hovering doubt : you did not know what my caprice might be -- whether I was going to play the master and be stern , or the friend and be benignant . I was now too fond of you often to simulate the first whim ; and , when I stretched my hand out cordially , such bloom and light and bliss rose to your young , wistful features , I had much ado often to avoid straining you then and there to my heart ."
" Don ' t talk any more of those days , sir ," I interrupted , furtively dashing away some tears from my eyes ; his language was torture to me ; for I knew what I must do -- and do soon -- and all these reminiscences , and these revelations of his feelings only made my work more difficult .
" No , Jane ," he returned : " what necessity is there to dwell on the Past , when the Present is so much surer -- the Future so much brighter ?"
I shuddered to hear the infatuated assertion .
" You see now how the case stands -- do you not ?" he continued . " After a youth and manhood passed half in unutterable misery and half in dreary solitude , I have for the first time found what I can truly love -- I have found you . You are my sympathy -- my better self -- my good angel . I am bound