COURTESY OF MELISSA BOUZEK
‘AT LEAST YOU
HAVE ONE CHILD’
PARENTING THROUGH SADNESS
Lauren Villavaso, a 37-year-old
who is a stay-at-home mom, easily got pregnant with her first
son, when she was 30 years old.
But when she and her husband
started trying for another baby six
months after his birth, the experience was very different. It took
five years, eight miscarriages, five
IUIs and four attempts at in vitro
fertilization — a total of roughly
$70,000 out of pocket — for the
couple to have their next son,
born eight months ago.
For Villavaso, the biggest challenge was worrying that her son
would — and still might — think
that her desire to have another
baby was somehow a reflection on
him. “I never wanted him to think
he wasn’t enough for us,” she said.
“But I was obsess ed. When I was
with my son, I was okay, but when
he was at preschool, it was all I
could think about.”
Often, family and marriage
therapist Allen said, parents
struggle with what she calls the
“incongruence” of their situation: In one moment, they are
wrapped up in pure joy over caring for their child, and in the
next, they may experience overwhelming pain and longing. Much
HUFFINGTON
12.08.13
“I am grateful because I have my
daughter, and she is my shining
star. I tell people that … but I’ve
always wanted a big family.”
of the counseling she does, she
said, centers around the development of mindfulness-based coping skills and helping parents be
more present with the children
they have, while still giving themselves permission to want more.
In many cases, she recommends a
structured, scheduled worry time,
during which parents give themselves over to their fears and sadness, before getting back to their
lives. Other times, she helps par-
In her years
of trying
for another
baby, Melissa
Bouzek has
taken so many
pregnancy
tests, she
jokes that she
“should invest
in EPT.”