‘AT LEAST YOU
HAVE ONE CHILD’
8-year-old daughter and has been
trying for another baby since
2006. In that time, Bouzek, who
was recently laid off from her
part-time job at a call center,
tried intrauterine insemination
(IUI) — having her husband’s
sperm placed directly into her
uterus during ovulation — and
has had two miscarriages. “I
am grateful because I have my
daughter, and she is my shining
star. I tell people that … but I’ve
always wanted a big family.”
Indeed, therapists who regularly treat patients experiencing
secondary infertility say that what
makes the condition particularly
isolating is that it can be perceived
by others as a selfish obsession.
“A typical response is, ‘Well, at
least you have little Johnny,’ or,
even worse, people with multiple
children saying, ‘You don’t know
how good you’ve got it,’” said
Krista Post, a licensed psychologist working in Minneapolis who
specializes in reproductive issues.
“A lot of the work I do is validating the pain and loss of their experience. Whether you’re having
difficulty conceiving a first child,
or a secondary experience of not
being able to fulfill this dream of a
larger family, it is painful.”
HUFFINGTON
12.08.13
Many parents say they also feel
ashamed of themselves for resenting peers and friends who grow
their families with seeming ease.
“One of the yuckiest emotions is
the jealousy,” said Amy Wruble,
a 43-year-old, California-based
blogger who has written about
her experience with secondary
infertility. Wruble began trying
for another baby soon after the
Therapists who regularly
treat patients experiencing
secondary infertility say that
what makes the condition
particularly isolating is that
it can be perceived by others
as a selfish obsession.
birth of her daughter, who is now
in preschool, knowing her fertility window was rapidly closing.
“It’s not like I begrudge anyone
their children, but it’s hard not to
go to that dark place. And then of
course I feel bad,” she said.
“I think one of the oddities of
secondary infertility is that you’re
a mother already, so you live in
a world that’s populated by babies and children,” she continued.
“There’s no escaping from your
grief, or your jealousy, because
you’re confronted by it every moment of every day.”