LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS AND MASTURBATION
in a relationship with a sexual
man for the past seven years. She
says the bond generally takes a
very long time to form, and even
when it does, sex is possible, but it
still remains relatively peripheral.
“I do have regular sex, and it is
pretty nice,” she said. “And I do
feel some sexual desire under special circumstances … but I enjoy
a lot of the sex with him only very
partially from my own sexual desire, which is minimal. It’s really
from this secondary sexual desire,
this desire to make him happy,
that makes it enjoyable. That desire is a powerful force that stems
from the head, rather than my
libido. I don’t hunger for sex the
way other people might.”
Gray-A’s, on the other hand, are
people who identify more generally in the gray zone between asexuality and sexuality. These include
individuals who don’t typically
experience sexual attraction, as
well as people who can desire and
enjoy sex but only under very specific circumstances.
“Sexuality is so fluid, and GrayA presents more of a possibility
to be unsure. I don’t understand
all the intricacies of myself yet,
so this is the closest approximation I’ve come up with,” said Chris
HUFFINGTON
08.25.13
Maleney, an 18-year-old Pennsylvania high school student who
identifies as Gray-A.
The specific language that has
developed among asexuals has not
just been useful in helping aces define themselves, but it’s also worked
to bring the community together.
“It’s one of the coolest parts of
our community,” said David Jay,
founder of the Asexual Visibility
and Education Network (AVEN).
“It’s like a microcosm of the way
in which everyone is experienc-
Several aces even said that
while they can experience
orgasm (a reflexive response),
it is almost always — and this
is a direct quote — “meh.”
ing intimacy that they don’t have
words to describe. Words like
‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’ and
‘it’s complicated’ on Facebook
aren’t sufficient in describing intimacy. That’s why [this language]
developed. It acknowledges that
we’re experiencing a lot of different kinds of connections that we
don’t have words for.”
Mark Carrigan, a Ph.D. student
at the University of Warwick who
has been studying asexuality for