How to Coach Yourself and Others Techniques For Coaching | Page 415

When the listener restricts her comments to validation of the present
trigger, she helps create the safe and accepting atmosphere the speaker
may need to engage in such spontaneous self-exploration. Usually, this
is all that a speaker is asking for.
Beyond Validation
If validation is insufficient in helping a speaker come to acceptance of
his feelings, then further counseling techniques may be needed. If the
speaker and listener are both willing, then the listener can probe
respectfully about the possibility that past events may be adding
intensity to present feelings. Examples of this may be:
“Have you had to deal with this kind of thing before?”
“Have you felt like this in other situations?”
“Are there any experiences or needs you have had that make you
particularly vulnerable to this feeling?”
Choosing Feelings?
Another roadblock to good validation is the fallacy that we "choose our
feelings". Listeners can shame speakers with this misconception.
“So you are choosing to be upset with your husband. I guess that’s
your right. How is it working for you?”
This approach may be well-meaning, but it is likely to be poorly
received. The power of examining our choices is a valuable tool, but we
must be clear about what we have choice over and what we do not.
Our feelings are bodily experiences that we perceive, rather than
choose. The only direct choice we have over our feelings is whether to
be aware of them or to repress them. Either choice may be appropriate,
given the situation. Sometimes it is best to put your feelings aside and
focus on a particular task. At other times, knowing how you feel is
important so you can make good decisions, or so you can connect
meaningfully with others.
There are choices we make, however, that affect our feelings indirectly.
Our feelings spring from our needs, our experiences, and our
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